A Brave Writer's Life in Brief

Give your kids something to brag about!

Let’s break a rule. You get to go first.

Put what YOU want to do first tomorrow. Just for a day. Just do your One Thing that makes you a little bit excited.

What Is That Thing?

Can you do it right in front of your kids, smack dab in the middle of the day?

Can you say something like:

“I’m making a candle from scratch today. I was reading about it online and I got so interested, I decided to do it. You can play or do whatever you want, but I’ll be over here candle-making.”

Could you say:

“Hey, excuse me while I grab a cup of tea and read this chapter in my book. I have to know what happens next.”

Or maybe say nothing.

What if you turned on the TV, hooked up YouTube, and did yoga right in the middle of the children’s play space, with toys on every side?

Perhaps you make sure you get your run in as you train for that half marathon.

Maybe you start the day with your own copywork—recording your favorite passages from a book or copying French into a notebook as you study it.

Showing Up

For our kids, we talk so much about:

• catalyzing curiosity,
• creating a hunger to learn,
• and encouraging dedication to follow through.

But how are WE living those very values? Not just as a model but as the very life force of our days? How are we showing up and living the beliefs and values we say we have?

Dream, act on a tiny portion of that dream, do it in front of your children (not off stage after they’re in bed).

See what happens!

There’s no tactic that ensures a child will match a parent’s fantasy. There’s only love and trying, over and over—until the child knows they are loved, and the parent knows the child is a unique, wholly separate person.

If you missed Part One, here it is.

The Trying: every tip, trick, and attempt to grow your child into a kind, mature, responsible adult.

The Love: your pleasure and pride in your children.

Children Grow Away from You

Children grow away in fury, in peace, in their own way, at their own pace.

We send them into their futures with our favorite souvenirs:

• confidence,
• an education,
• kindness,
• diligence,
• a sense of humor,
• our beliefs,
• our hopes and dreams.

They sort through the gifts and purge the ones they don’t want. They keep the ones they value. They grab some you didn’t want for them.

They become their own people. You get to be their witnesses. You will try again and love them again in this new way.

And that’s how it is for everyone.

There’s only love and trying.

Those two are enough to get you (and your kids) all the way there.

This post is originally from Instagram and @juliebogartwriter is my account
so come follow along for more conversations like this one!

When we raise our voices, we put our children’s nervous systems on high alert. Naturally. Automatically. We are big and powerful, and they are not.

When frazzled, do you resort to shouting?

Research into abusive anger—the kind that stings and lingers and leaves the other person feeling stunned—shows that it takes up to a year to recover. A year—for each incident!

If we stack angry outbursts on top of one another, some kids live in a perpetual state of recovery from anger.

It can be hard to tell when we cross the line into harmful anger. I know for me, it helped when I would start to go down that path and then instead of yelling AT them, I’d yell TO them “Oh no! I’m freaking out over all the shoes in the hallway! I feel like yelling!”

After someone yells, sometimes they feel so much better in the moment that they can hardly remember the content of what they yelled or that they yelled at all. You remind them of the hurtful things they shouted and you get responses like:

• I didn’t say that.
• You know what I meant.
• You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
• I wasn’t yelling.

Sometimes the yeller will feel badly and they try to quickly reset the relationship by apologizing or explaining. They might say:

• I’m sorry I got mad.
• I was just stressed. Sorry I took it out on you.
• I didn’t mean it.
• Hey, it’s over now. Everything’s okay!
• I promise I won’t yell again.

What to do instead.

Honor the child’s interpretation of what they experienced.

Resist trying to “get back to normal” as soon as possible. It can be hard to witness a loved one’s distress but remember, the yeller literally can’t feel as badly as the one yelled at.

Also, the yeller should not expect understanding for having yelled. Don’t seek comfort from the victim!

Apologies alone don’t work. Sitting with the person who was harmed is the place to start.

• Tell me as much about how it felt to be you when I yelled, as long as you need to.
• I can’t promise I won’t yell again. I do empower you to walk out of the room and refuse to listen when I do.
• You didn’t deserve that. I’m going to get help for my anger.

Shouting about LEGO you stepped on or an occasional exasperated outburst can usually be repaired swiftly with an apology. Sustained attacks, routine outbursts, name-calling…nope.

Love to all my yellers and yellees. This is a hard share.