Amends are not a once-for-all-time act. We learn to take responsibility for our impact over time. It’s super easy to be defensive or to believe that you aren’t making the mistakes your parents made. A feet-of-clay moment comes for all of us, though.
The Key
The key to relationship repair with our children goes beyond the apology. It’s the willingness to sit in the discomfort of hearing how our behavior impacted the other person, without losing our cool.
Most of us want that from our parents. The practice, though, is for us—to take a “fearless and moral inventory of our lives” and to be accountable for our actions. We can’t make someone else come to terms with their impact, but we can learn to take that awkward responsibility for ours. I give my mom a lot of credit. She has shown me the way again and again.
Just to add: my father made amends to me in person when I asked him to—in his own different way. Both were healing. Neither prevented future hurts, but now those differences are less painful and I am more accepting of everyone’s limitations, including my own.
[quote above from the 4th of the 12 Steps]
This post was originally shared on Instagram.
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