Content warning: In today’s podcast, we deal with topics of evangelical Christianity and parenting in the United States. While this conversation may be welcoming for some, it could be triggering for others. Despite any personal views expressed by myself or our guest Bekah McNeel, know that Brave Writer is a non-sectarian company that happily celebrates and includes members who hold a wide variety of worldviews, religious beliefs, non-religious beliefs, backgrounds, and political perspectives.

Bekah McNeel is the author of Bringing Up Kids When Church Lets You Down: A Guide for Parents Questioning Their Faith. She’s a native of San Antonio, Texas where she’s been a reporter for nine years. Her work has appeared in Christianity Today, The Public Justice Review, Christian Science Monitor, Texas Tribune, and numerous other outlets. She’s a graduate of the London School of Economics where she earned an MSC in Media Studies. She’s also a wife and mother of two very busy boys.

Here’s what you can expect in this episode:

• Why has Christianity fallen for Millennials and what role do their parents play in that?
• Should children be baptized as a baby or only when they are old enough to consent?
• Why does Christianity push us to rely on authority figures—and why do many who leave the church never learn to shed that reliance?

I know this is a difficult topic for many people. Whether you grew up religious and found yourself drifting away from the church, or you are still devoted and find it painful to hear these stories, know that the end goal here is for all of us to be able to move forward together.

Show Notes

Why are Millennials leaving the church in droves?

As our understanding and acceptance of trauma and mental health increases, more and more of us are finding therapy an essential part of adult life. There, we begin to unpack the messages we picked up from our family—whether explicit or intentional. For many of us, the language we saw around religion was the same as the language used by politicians, commercials, and other arms of the culture wars to manipulate us. And when we start to ask questions, we only get pushed further away. Ultimately, at a time when many wanted to be affirmed, they were instead exiled.

The over-reliance on authority figures

One of the overarching themes in Bekah’s book is how Christianity teaches its theology through a religious, spiritual authority figure. Rather than allowing people to see themselves as part of the spirit and be validated in making their own decisions, it trained them to look for an external authority to tell them what to do. Not only has this led to a generation of people who can no longer make decisions for themselves, but it gives an excess amount of power to whoever holds those positions of authority.

Being more inclusive, regardless of beliefs

While understanding trauma is a great thing, it’s only the first step in a process—one that we’re not taught what comes next. It can feel great to cut toxic people out of our lives, but that’s not what leads to healing. How do we learn to bring people back to the table instead of constantly cutting them out?

First, we have to recognize the difference between animosity and apathy. Some beliefs will fundamentally make peace impossible, such as believing a certain race or skin color makes someone inferior. But someone not believing—or understanding—how systems in our country disadvantage some people and advantage others is something that can be approached with grace, patience, and deep discussions.

Resources

• Twitter: @BekahMcneel
• Website: bekahmcneel.com
• Book: Bringing Up Kids When Church Lets You Down
• Join our 7-Day Writing Blitz and take your kids’ writing to the next level! Visit bravewriter.com/writing-blitz to download it
• Sign up for Text Message Pod Ring: 1 (833) 947-3684 and text the word POD
• Want help getting started with Brave Writer? Head over to bravewriter.com/getting-started
• Sign up for the Brave Writer newsletter to learn about all of the special offers we’re doing in 2022 and you’ll get a free seven-day Writing Blitz guide just for signing up: https://go.bravewriter.com/writing-blitz

Connect with Julie

• Instagram: instagram.com/juliebravewriter
• Twitter: twitter.com/bravewriter
• Facebook: facebook.com/bravewriter

Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Good Inside, as well as a mom of three, and she’s rethinking the way we raise our kids. Her goal: To empower parents to feel sturdier and more equipped to manage all the challenges every parent faces.

As home educators, we know that you’ve compounded the challenge of parenting by spending every waking moment (and those rare times you’re actually getting some sleep) with your precious ones.

In this Brave Writer podcast, we tackle all the topics from video games to tolerating frustration to thinking through how to deal with a child that expresses a lot of resistance and anger. Dr. Becky Kennedy brings an internal family systems perspective to the job of parenting but offers us so many practical tools. She’s never one to offer advice without breaking down exactly how to implement it in your home.

Show Notes

What does it mean to be “Good Inside”?

We all tend to incorrectly correlate behavior with identity. There are certain behaviors that are just not acceptable, like a child hitting a sibling or lying to their parents’ face—but someone can perform those “bad” behaviors without being “bad” inside. When we approach parenting—and even our own lives—with the belief that people are inherently good inside, we can approach our behavior with a sense of curiosity. Where does the gap between our identity and our behavior come from? And how does that change the way we intervene when undesirable behaviors emerge?

For one thing, it changes the way we view how an action comes to pass. In their hardest moments, children aren’t deciding to act out. Decisions require regulation, control, and forward-thinking—things that no child has in the midst of a difficult situation. As adults, we would rarely decide to yell at our kids, but sometimes it may happen, and that’s with decades of practice and development beyond what our kids have. Kids deserve our compassion when acting out, because it’s something that is beyond their control.

The importance of sturdiness

As a homeschooling parent, you have a lot of responsibility on your plate. You are directly responsible for your child’s education, such as teaching reading, writing, and math. But what do you do when your child says they hate math? That’s where this concept of sturdiness comes in.

Sturdiness is about embodying your authority as a parent. It’s a balance of boundaries and having respect for your child. By being able to create that balance, we are able to answer a vital question our kids have: “Am I safe?”

When kids see that their emotions are out of control—and those feelings are so overwhelming that they cause a parent or teacher to feel out of control—that makes them feel more afraid of those feelings. They start to believe they will never be able to control them. That’s why we set boundaries. And empathy and validation are best friends to boundaries. Because we can keep our boundaries and still let our kids feel as if we are working with them instead of against them.

Creating the right relationship to technology

Technology has changed the way that we think. It’s shortened our ability to focus—or rather, it’s made focusing on anything other than hyper-stimulating activities to be more difficult.

We are building a blueprint of expectations from life at an early age. Part of that is how much challenge we have to tolerate before seeing a reward. One thing technology has done is make it incredibly easy to get satisfaction with minimal effort. When we think about all of the difficult things we have to teach our kids, such as reading, it can take a tremendous amount of effort in order to see some results.

Nothing else is going to be a direct replacement to video games or technology to your kids. We don’t want to trick them into thinking that reading will be just as easy and stimulating as their iPad. But we do have to set boundaries, say no, tolerate their pushback when we have to make that decision, and help them move forward.

Becky wants us to remember that, above all else, parenting is hard. It is objectively too much work for one person, or even two, to take on alone. Have faith in yourself, give yourself grace, and be willing to rest and reset when needed.

Resources

• Learn more at goodinside.com
• Read: “Good Inside”
• Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: @drbeckyatgoodinside
• Far from the Tree by Andrew Solomon: Prologue
• Brave Writer’s Growing Brave Writers was designed with you in mind, and how to connect with a child to produce writing without pain or trauma. Learn more here: bravewriter.com/products/growing-brave-writers
• Purchase one of our bundles or sign up for a class to be added to our Brave Learner community for free: bravewriter.com/special-offer
• Sign up for Brave Writer’s Text Message Pod Ring: (833) 947-3684 and text the word POD
• Want help getting started with Brave Writer? Head over to bravewriter.com/getting-started
• Sign up for the Brave Writer newsletter to learn about all of the special offers we’re doing in 2022 and you’ll get a free seven-day Writing Blitz guide just for signing up: https://go.bravewriter.com/writing-blitz

Connect with Julie

• Instagram: instagram.com/juliebravewriter
• Twitter: twitter.com/bravewriter
• Facebook: facebook.com/bravewriter