Archive for the ‘Homeschool Advice’ Category

Revision is not editing

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

Miss A Writes a SongImage by Denise Krebs

In Brave Writer, we separate the ideas of revision and editing. Revision is “casting new vision” for the original piece of writing. It’s a “re-imagining” of the original content. You have what you want to say, now you are considering all the various ways it can be said.

Your freewrite/draft is the jet stream of thought. It’s all of it rushing out of the writer onto the page willy-nilly.

Revision is not, now, taking that freewrite/draft and fixing commas or identifying run-on sentences. It’s not addressing tone or spelling mistakes. Those practices fall under the category of “copy-editing.”

Revision is that drastic over-haul type work that literally changes the draft sometimes so completely, the original is hardly recognizable in it any more (except maybe some sentences or the germ of the idea). Revision is where you hunker down and look at specific thoughts expressed insufficiently in the draft, and then determine how to expand them, how to enhance them, how to deepen the content or insight or facts-basis.

Revision IS writing.

In fact, most writers would say that revision is the craft, is the heart of being a writer.

What I find in parents (and even in those who claim to be writing instructors) is a tendency to skip this part of the process. They move right to editing and call it revision.

When asked to give revision notes or support, they draw a blank or they praise what’s good or they give general comments like, “Be sure you think about your audience” or “It’s a good idea to make sure your points are in a solid sequence.”

This kind of general feedback isn’t helpful to writers. What helps is to become a child’s creative partner. What you want to do, what you need to learn how to do, is how to create a dynamic partnership of idea generation.

For instance, you might see a flat-footed opening line (note: they are all flat-footed in the first draft – it’s completely rare that the first line stays the same in well revised writing). Your job isn’t to point out that it is flat-footed or could be revised. It isn’t to assign the task of making it better to your child. It’s literally to brainstorm ideas for improvements. Let’s say the child is writing about white water rafting, you might try something like this:

“I wonder how we can make this opening line grab the reader’s attention. Let me think, let me think. What if we start with the experience—Let’s get in the boat. Are you in it? What’s happening now? Close your eyes. What do you see? Blue? What shades?”

You’re jotting things down as they come out of your child’s mouth.

Then you say, “How about the water? I can imagine there’s a spray. Is there? Yes? Where did it hit? What is a water spray like? Does it remind you of anything? Oh good one! The spray of a garden hose when your brother aims it at you. Good one! Yes! Let’s jot that down.”

You’re wool-gathering. You’re collecting images, experiences, thoughts, curiosities, comments, ideas.

You aren’t telling the child what to do. You’re helping the child think freshly about what is already on the page. You are providing the dialog partner the way you would in conversation—”Then what happened? Oh wait, how did you get there? That must have been amazing! What did your brother say?”

But now, you are focused on writing and you are providing the conversational partnership that your child’s writer needs. You are thinking in writing categories but having discussions about it (natural ones). You aren’t an English teacher. You are an interested friend, partner, ally.

Do you see the difference? Stop the generalizations and get into conversations. Help get those words out.

Then, when you go back to that opening sentence, you have a selection of things to choose from that might grab the reader’s attention. Together, you can find the one and write it in a way that makes magic.

Cross-posted on facebook.

Are you a Type A mom?

Monday, June 17th, 2013

Day 2 - Trip Packing List - just the essential items.Do you find it difficult to operate without a checklist? Do you find yourself worried about getting it all done?

On the flip side, do you wish you could be more relaxed, but each time you try, the anxiety rises and you don’t quite relax?

It’s difficult to battle who you are—how you naturally interact with the world. Messy people buy the manuals of the naturally organized thinking they can change if they just have a system. Type A parents want to find a way to relax without feeling like they are lazy.

I say: Work with whatchu got! It’s too hard to do a personality-ectomy! Better to suit your aims to your style.

For instance, if you want to be a more relaxed mom—one who puts the warm fuzzies ahead of the workbooks, change the checklist. See if that helps.

Self-awareness is the first step. Each time you are tempted to push your kids toward what feels like work rather than delight, breathe. Feel your face. Are you smiling? Are your brows furrowing? Get back to connection with your children. Measure your day (checklist) with a new “Type A” criteria.

Check these off as you do them.

__ Hugged each kid

__ Made eye contact with one and had a conversation for 3 minutes

__ Asked questions of my quiet child to find out more about her process, not her work completed.

__ Played a game.

__ Took a walk.

__ Cultivated silliness (silly voice, body, jokes, puns, dance moves).

__ Put on music.

__ Smiled at my children, each one, at least once.

__ Gave 5 compliments.

__ Ate tasty foods and noticed the flavors.

__ Let everyone stop “working” sooner than they expected.

__ Did someone’s task for them.

__ Sat next to my child during her hardest subject until she finished it, offering encouragements.

__ Gave myself and kids permission to NOT do a boring chapter of the workbook.

__ Left a mess so my children could return to it later to finish the art project or the Lego build or the play fort.

What if you had a check list like that? Would that help you be a Type A mom who is also more fun?

Try that for a couple of days and see if you find a new groove for your careful personality—one that measures and values connection, over work completed. (You are likely to still get all the work done – that’s who you are! But now you’ll make room for the other stuff you wish you would do more spontaneously.)

Good luck!

Cross-posted on facebook.

Image by Betsy Weber

That elusive thing called happiness

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

HappinessImage by Caleb Roenigk

I read a blog the other day that reminded me: Happiness is not a completed puzzle with all the pieces glued into place, varnished, framed, and then hung on the wall—as though once you find that last piece and arrange it in the missing space, completing the puzzle “just so,” you will have achieved happiness and that quest will be finished.

What a great image! As though happiness could be contained in a still, framed, lifeless image.

I liked it. I liked it a lot. It’s so easy to think that if I pad my cell with the right set of philosophical bumpers, I will avoid sharp objects and intrusive voices that wreck my peace.

I thought about it more.

Happiness is not just “joy in the journey” of hunting for puzzle pieces either. The hunt implies that there is some key, some magical understanding that puts everything together in such a way that you know you’ve arrived. So the quest for the pieces is part of that vision that you might find the end point. It’s hard to have joy in a journey without a destination (who wants to just drive around all day without arriving somewhere?).

So that’s the problem with “joy in the journey” thinking. We still try to get somewhere so that we’ll finally feel justified in having that feeling of joy or happy.

What if “happiness” is utterly different than we’ve been led to believe by advertisers, gurus, and advice-givers?

Happiness in homeschool, as I’ve observed it, and as I’ve lived it at times, is the experience of being okay with my homeschool exactly the way it is today—unfinished, messy, incompleteness spilling out of the sides, and running down my legs, and busting through the neat graphed lines of my schedule.

Happiness in my homeschool looks like slathering a big thick layer of yummy love across my imperfect self and my silly, sometimes struggling, sometimes thriving bunch of little rascals that live their own version of happy in the middle of the mess.

It’s forgiving myself for my lacks and inadequacies and recognizing that I don’t have all that it takes to homeschool. Some days I don’t even have half of what it takes.

Happiness comes when I’m least expecting it—when a moment stirs me or catches me off guard, like a hug and kiss, or a brand new word read, or a note pinned to my pillow, or a pair of kids playing without arguing for ten whole minutes.

It comes when I give up and give in and let today be what it is and trust that tomorrow will be okay too and I look back at yesterday and think, “That wasn’t all bad. It looks even better in hindsight. I can build a memory from that one thing—that little breakthrough or that joke or the way we all teared up at the end of the read aloud. That’s enough to take from yesterday.”

Happiness is a state of *being* not a goal achieved or a mindset created or a philosophy rigidly followed. It comes when you let go and float and let the waves of your life ride.

Think of labor—yielding, trusting, crests, and valleys. But oh so good, and leading to the oh so right, and messy too.

If you’re in that space of self-recrimination, where you can’t figure it out, can’t identify what’s going wrong, if you wish you were better at being a mom or teaching math or having big juicy conversations… stop. Go inside and let yourself fall a part a little bit.

While you do, be your own best friend for a moment. Notice your limits and love them. Let them be. Blow them kisses. They are part of what make you, you… to yourself, and to your children.

You don’t have to solve it. You can keep going, you can embrace the uniqueness that is your life…. trusting that over time, everyone will find their way when you stop pushing so hard to make it all fit into that framed puzzle.

Be good to you. Accept who you are—hug yourself, wrap that hurting self in a pair of big strong arms. You’re okay. I know you want to grow and change and be better. We all do. One way to get there is to stop trying to fix it. Simply be where you are, as you are, living with the magical people entrusted to your care.

Happiness may find you yet.

It really is enough

Wednesday, June 12th, 2013

Katherine writesThe tricky part of homeschooling, and particularly writing, is that you can’t see the growth as it happens. Looking back shows you the growth. But looking back happens when they head off to college… or Europe, or get married. That feels a teensy bit late.

In other words, the very thing you need to reassure you that you are doing a good job with your kids is invisible to you as you do that “good job with your kids.” You’re required to put your faith in the process, rather than confidence in observable results. (Or, alternatively, you have to change how you measure what you see.)

It really is enough to read aloud to your kids, to have your children copy some of those words into a little notebook, to have them take a stab at writing some of those words without looking while you dictate them aloud. It’s enough if this happens once a week or 20 times in a year, and some years even fewer times.

It’s enough to catch a few of their brilliant thoughts or quirky ideas in writing for them, once in a while, so they know that what’s inside them deserves to be on paper too.

It’s enough to linger at dinner, discussing some topic like the puns in Seinfeld or why Pocahontas the Disney movie is both so good you want to keep watching it but so bad (if you compare it to history) that you feel guilty for loving it.

It’s enough to lie next to your kids at bedtime once in a while to sing to them or listen to their stories or to tell them some ridiculous saga you made up that goes on and on and stops making sense after a few weeks but you both love just the same.

It really is enough if your kids read and read and read the same book series over and over again and it seems like they will never discover another author as wonderful as JK Rowling or Brian Jacques or Suzanne Collins or Ian Fleming or Jeff Kinney. One day you’ll notice… oh hey! She’s reading another book by someone else.

It’s enough if you listen to what your kids say, if you have big juicy conversations about the stuff that interests them, if you laugh at funny sounding words and use absurdly big ones around them just to trick them and tickle their linguistic imaginations.

It will be enough if they read a little poetry, look up a few song lyrics, memorize a couple tongue twisters, learn to tell a few really funny jokes, and figure out the delicious humor of Will Shakespeare in one of his comedies (in a movie of course).

It’s enough if they cast their thoughts onto a page, freely, attending only to the ideas or the sound of the words, and know they have a receptive audience in you.

It’s enough if they play with other writing forms, if they learn how to mop up their own mechanics, if they attempt half a dozen essays in high school, figuring out what it means to have a point of view that they assert and then how to back it up because it matters to them.

We make it so difficult. We expect our kids to match some other agenda than the one that delivers them happily into an authentic writing life.

Less is more—less hand-wringing, fewer assignments, less control, less nagging, fewer criteria.

More is more—more conversations, more reading, more delight, more time, more space, more passion for language, more opportunities to play with words, language.

I’m here to help when you lose your nerve or your way.

Cross-posted on facebook.

Image by Julie Jordan Scott

Anger can be liberating

Monday, June 10th, 2013

Evil JoannaImage by Javier Ignacio Acuña Ditzel

In the context of mutual respect, the healthy discharge of anger has a place:

Anger says, “This far, and no further.”

Anger says, “Step off” or “Step back.”

Anger alerts the room: “Something’s not right. Someone’s not happy. Something needs to change.”

Anger clocks your own immobilizing depression to the floor while the secret you-that-has-needs shows up, ready to handle what must be done.

Anger sends a power surge—suddenly you are your own advocate, standing for your point of view, come what may!

Anger lets the people who take you for granted know that you are, in fact, here—”You show up” when angry.

My kids have a word to describe me when I hit that wall—when my tolerance and goodwill, my empathy and earnestness are depleted. They say, “Mom is pa-dunk-ah-dunking.” It’s their signal to each other: Back up and help Mom.

What they mean is that my eyes go a little crazy-cross-eyed, my tone of voice ratchets up an octave, and my desperation to be heard leads me to shout and stride all over the room, pointing at what must be done RIGHT NOW.

In those moments, I’m not my “best self.” Or at least, I’m not my ideal self.

But I’ve come to see that if I don’t notice the build up of resentment or the fact that I had given so much, I ran out of stuff to give, it is inevitable that a mini pa-dunk-ah-dunk chain reaction is on its way.

Sometimes I’m in the middle before I know I’m in at all! The outburst shocks me as much as the kids.

What I’ve come to understand about anger:

You rarely discharge anger carefully or correctly. The books that tell you how to do it “the right way” assume that in your moment of anger, you have the wherewithal to remember the right words! If you’re good at that, my hat is off to you! For me, I don’t call my kids names and I don’t abuse them, but I do get mad sometimes, and I say it the way it comes because anger is like that—it’s a fire that sweeps through. It’s the last straw—I don’t have other straws to offer.

Anger is a sign to me that I forgot I’m part of the equation in this family. I give, and give, and give, and try to understand and care and support and create space… and then all of the sudden, I discover no one has done that for me, not even me. And bam! Out it rolls. Translating my anger, you would hear this subtext: “Make room for me! Notice my needs! Help me feel respected!”

Anger enables you to set a boundary as a last resort. When you set a boundary, you can’t also take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time so anger helps you to care more about the boundary than the reaction of the people you love. Anger in this context is self-care.

Occasional anger is NOT the same as a habit of anger. If you use anger every day, if you resort to anger any time you feel misunderstood or the external world doesn’t match how you need it to be in order to feel peaceful, it’s possible that your anger will become cruel (or in some cases abusive). Anger cannot be the go to emotion for coping with frustration. No one else is responsible to make your life good. Anger is not the emotion to use to get other people to manage your life for you. You must do that for yourself.

Finally, anger doesn’t have to involve yelling. If you notice the creeping signs of “I’m frustrated,” or “I feel disrespected,” or “I’m needy,” a straight forward declaration can be far more effective in resetting the dial in your home. “I’m getting resentful that no one has heard my need to be ready to go in 10 minutes. I need to see some evidence of that now. I can feel my jaw tightening and I don’t want to yell. Help me.”

I’ve spent most of my life terrified of anger. Truly. The thought of someone yelling at me can cause me to tremble, even now. Psychologists say that depression is anger turned inward. Women have a greater tendency to do this than men.

Anger can be liberating, and it can take away that powerlessness that goes with depression.

I’ve had to learn that:

Anger directed at me isn’t always personal.

Rage is not the same as anger (rage is the uncontrolled violence of anger that is intended to damage/harm/destroy the object in its path).

The rising feeling of anger is a sign to me that something is not right.

Our kids use anger in much the same ways we do, but with less reflection and sometimes less self-control. It helps to know that they are experiencing exasperation, frustration, a sense of violation, or a loss of self when they shout or scream or kick or throw tantrums. We can teach them to express it without abusive language.

The bottom line is that all parents get angry at their kids, at each other. Homeschoolers have more opportunities to create the friction that leads to anger simply because we’re all together so much and so much has to get done.

See if you can identify what kind of anger you are feeling. Notice it. Take a moment to let the feelings ride through you before discharging it (if you can). Get familiar with your triggers. Practice meeting your own needs. Always ask for help.

If anger is a problem for you, do get help. The professional kind. You and your family deserve it.

In the middle of the muddle

Saturday, June 8th, 2013

Joy of Love: Love to Hate (05)Image by Nori

I had a conversation with Joanna in private message after I posted about my dislike of the word “obedience” in parenting. It was fruitful. I told her that I like hearing from mothers who are “in the middle of the muddle,” because it’s too easy for mothers with older kids (like me) removed from those toddler years to get a bit glassy-eyed about those struggles.

Here’s one of her comments that I thought helpful:

“You’re right, I am in the “middle of the muddle” (I like that) — I have five kids, 3-14 (straddling preschool to 8th grade). I think you do an amazing job “remembering” motherhood, but yes… perhaps the earliest years are pleasantly fuzzy, those years when any mom will tell you that a battle of wills is just par for the course. It’s being patient and empathetic in the midst of it that makes the difference, I think. Tonight, in our house, it was “I want to go bed without brushing my teeth.” Well, it’s not a matter of impossibility, danger or hurting someone else… but the answer is still “no” and I didn’t feel badly about that. There was a short melt-down before he came around (this time the tactic was distraction… Blueberries for Sal awaits, hurry!).

“This is the thing… if I thought that his meltdown was evidence that I hadn’t adequately built a bridge of trust, I would feel condemned — just as condemned as if I felt it was due to my unfaithfulness with “the rod.” I think part of sensible little-kid parenting is just embracing that sometimes (lots of times, because preschoolers excel at making requests/demands) you have to say no, that sometimes your sweetheart will be angry/devastated as a result, that sometimes your wills will clash, but that at the end of the day, love can win and you can come out friends. I love the vision you communicate of coming alongside, of coaching, of understanding and empathizing and saying “yes.” I think it works with older kids and I think it works with schooling. I’m just concerned that it has the potential to create more condemnation when applied (without qualification) to little ones — and I know that’s the farthest thing from your heart.”

I responded to her and want to develop those thoughts.

The key is being mindful and attentive.

I don’t know what you’re like in your home, but what you share here is careful and kind. I agree about the love covering the “no’s.”

One of the things I had to learn (as a highly empathetic mother) was how to support a child in taking greater and greater responsibility. What happens for less empathetic parents is they have to learn how to let go of more and more control.

These are the two axises of mothering—either too much “control” or too much “understanding.”

One of the tricky parts of reading about parenting is the tendency of all the advocates of any one style to act as though a “pure” system will cover all personalities and family dynamics. That turns out not to be true.

What works is to be attentive, to be willing to be wrong, to trust your hunches, to at times let things go (after a day at Disneyland with a burnt out child, skipping the toothbrushing is not a big deal one night), to support consistent practice to develop a habit (expecting toothbrushing most every night and finding a way to help that happen)… Parents offer strength (the backbone of good practices) and tenderness (the compassion for childishness and the perspective of maturity).

That balance is one that gets tweaked throughout childhood.

I like to recommend that everyone start with compassion—getting behind the eyes of the child to see the world as that child is currently seeing it. This takes a **pause** – you have to stop your own racing thoughts to enter into that empty space of observation, without prejudgment.

Once you are there, it’s easier to see what the child needs and what your role should be. If your heart is pounding and you feel anger rising, you are not there yet.

But even when you are being the backbone on behalf of a child who is struggling to take ownership of his responsibilities (no matter how big or small these are), you can be kind.

“We’re going to register for the ACT test now. I’m standing here until you open the browser and I see you logging in.”

That’s different than anger shouted from another room:

“Hey I told you six times to register for the ACT. The deadline is today. I’m not paying for that late fee. It will come out of your paycheck. Now stop that darned game and register!”

Empathy helps you to keep your attitude in check—to realize that childishness (even in big kids!) runs against emerging personal responsibility. You can remember this feeling, if you tap into it. That helps you determine how you will support the growth necessary without caving (“Here, I’ll do it for you”) versus punishment (“You can’t have the car this weekend if you don’t do it”).

Even small children benefit from this kind of empathy + backbone strategy.

“Toothbrushing happens every night. Sometimes we’re going to go into the bathroom singing and laughing and sometimes I may have to carry you in. But I promise to be gentle with your teeth and as soon as you get the hang of it, you can do it all by yourself.”

I’d like to discuss parental anger in another post. For now, I’d like to open this topic up for your experiences and discussion.

How do you create a balance between empathy for your child’s perspective/stage of development, and support (being the backbone) for a child’s growth, success, and independence?

These ideas all factor heavily into both homeschooling and the teaching of writing, by the way.

Like pearls on a necklace

Wednesday, June 5th, 2013

counting pearlsImage by rosemary

It’s not unusual to feel muddled when you think about what the best course of home education is for your children. There are competing promises among the many choices.

freedom
depth
flexibility
“children learn best when children decide what, when, and how they will learn, and for what purpose”
advanced academic preparation
mentoring
“inspire, not require”
connections between subjects
personalized education
“a well trained mind”
“a science of relations”
character building
religion-free, multicultural, world citizen
“literature-rich, Christ centered”
“open-and-go”
structured and thorough
comprehensive
parent-led
child-led

I’m sure you can add quotes and slogans of your own.

With the advent of the Internet, there are even more homeschooling groups, websites, blogs, forums, email lists, and Facebook groups than ever. Each promises a happy, well-educated, well-adjusted child at the end of the journey.

What happens when you explore is that the advocates of any system typically believe in their system so thoroughly, they disregard the value of any other system.

When you make a choice to adopt a specific program or plan (even if the “plan” is to let go of the “plan”!), the initial experience is often like trying to join a marathon in progress, only you’ve never done the training. You get tired, you say the wrong thing, you do the wrong thing… while the trained runners whiz by you.

Missteps and misunderstandings of the principles lead to strong exhortations on the part of the advocates: everything from advice-giving, to figurative hand-slaps, to humiliations.

Even when you earnestly seek to apply the principles in their entirety, if you run aground (have struggles, find that the method isn’t working for one of your children, or discover that you aren’t having the success you envisioned), sometimes you’re blamed for not applying the principles correctly, or enough, or with the right tone of voice, or according to the right schedule (or lack of it!).

Learning how to live according to a vision someone else cast is demanding. No two people understand the vision the same way. Add your family to the mix (where you’ve done all the research, and they’ve typically done none), and you have a recipe for confusion—particularly during the transition away from one paradigm to another.

Parenting and education are broad categories. There is no one (single) way to bring children into adulthood as learned people. We know this because the world over uses a variety of parenting and educational strategies, and the world embodies brilliant minds and close connected families in cultures completely different from ours.

Our goal can’t be to find the right set of tools, or the right ideology, or the right system. It can’t be to advocate so righteously for one method that we overlook the benefits or valuable insights of another.

Any philosophy that adopts the viewpoint that if you experience “failure” or struggle, you aren’t doing it right, is in danger of putting ideas ahead of people. No one lives any belief system so purely that they never run up against the limits of that perspective.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that all perspectives have limits—and all people have limited abilities to carry out their best intentions.

Examining your principles is a good place to start (principles are easier to live by than rules). But purists can turn principles into rules… so be careful.

Your best bet is to be gentle with yourself and to surround your homeschool life with people who are advocates for *you* more than your philosophy of education or parenting. You should have room to air your confusion, your mistakes, your failures, and your successes. You shouldn’t have to pretend to live up to the ideals of the group in order to participate. You shouldn’t be subjected to unkind scrutiny for the sake of being a lesson for others.

It is possible to get value from a perspective, even if you don’t adopt all of it.

It’s possible to use a style of education for a few years, and then try something else for a few years just to change up the energy in your home.

It’s great to read the powerful arguments for a variety of educational theories so that you avoid getting into a rut of thought where you make one view “all bad” and have to defend your view as “all good.”

These are rarely useful ways to evaluate.

Lastly, some seasons demand different styles of home education for everyone’s peace of mind. Families dealing with chronic or terminal illness in a parent will necessarily approach home education differently than those with parents fully functioning.

What matters—what will matter most to you in the end—is the feeling that the people you love consider home and education to be pleasant, peaceful, and life-giving. No family or home feels like that all the time in any philosophy. Many philosophies help you get there. Most often, the philosophy is only as good as the emotional health of the parents anyway.

Your goal is to string together (like pearls on a necklace) moments where you can say, “Today was a good day together and we learned something too.”

When these accumulate, life starts to hum. Don’t worry so much about how you got there. Enjoy it while it lasts. Note it. Be proud of it. Don’t doubt it.

Weirdly, that’s enough—whether you co-sleep or bottlefeed or homeschool or put your kids on a yellow bus.

Love in the home, created by conscientious parents, who take education seriously (in any of its myriad forms), is what we all want.

Go forth into your homeschool this morning and enjoy whatever philosophy it is that has your fascinated today.

Cross-posted on facebook.

Prophecies of doom

Saturday, June 1st, 2013

LightningImage by John Fowler

We’ve all made them—those pronouncements that let our children know that the perilous choice they make today will land them in a low-paying ditch of a job, eking out a half life, regretting that they didn’t… master the proof for right angles on Thursday, April 25, 2013.

The slow descent to adult failure begins when the precious cherub who suckled at your breast defies your plan for his life.

You see him happily writing poems instead of completing math tests (yes, that would be Noah) and declare: “How will you get into college if you never advance in math?”

He plays around with sign language, studies Klingon, and never takes chemistry.

Dire predictions follow: “You *must* complete high school. You can’t expect colleges to make exceptions for you. Without a college degree, you won’t ever earn enough money to live.”

Except that colleges do make exceptions, and they make them for your son, who they told to put Klingon on his transcript for his foreign language requirement, and apparently the linguistics department doesn’t care whether or not he took chemistry in high school.

You proclaim to your daughter that she *must* study US history because no college will accept her without it on her transcript. She never musters the interest. US history study lags and flags and sputters. When application to college-time comes, she does a six week crash course and is accepted into the scholars program at the university of her choice… anyway.

You declare that no one can live on minimum wage… and then your adult child does, somehow (maybe not to the standard of living you’d want for him, but he makes it work because it’s his life and this is what he wanted for now).

We tell our kids that they will get lost if they don’t print directions, we tell them they will lose all their teeth if they don’t brush them, we warn that if they don’t sleep 8 hours a night, they won’t be able to think straight the next day.

We predict that no girl will ever kiss our son if he doesn’t learn to shower. We declare that online friends aren’t real friends and so our child is friendless.

We make sweeping statements out of fear and love, I know. We all do it.

Last night a mother I spoke with told me that her 9 year old son had just begun to lie to her, for the first time in their precious intimate close self-aware relationship. It stunned her. She launched into the parental “never lie to me” prophecy of doom: “How can you lie to me? We will never have trust again if you don’t tell me the truth. You are ruining our relationship.”

But that’s not what is happening. A 9 year old boy is avoiding something, has figured out that if he tells half the truth, he may only have to do half the work. It’s not likely he intends to destroy the parent-child bond… but we frame it that way. We get big and dramatic and huge and sometimes even loud and lecture-y and oh how we love to go for length in those moments.

Parents aren’t stupid. They have made so many mistakes in their 35-50 years on the planet, they only want one thing: for their children to not make any. Parents can see further down the time line. Sometimes that’s an enormous advantage! Kids do well to heed parental vision!

But not every time.

Not about every thing.

Not all the choices your kids make today need to match the ones you would have them make.

In fact, I’ll go further. Our biggest job isn’t to prophecy doom or to spell out impending disaster or to nudge, nag, and coerce cooperation with our vision for their lives (or even what we are convinced is their vision for their lives).

Our job is to be pointers.

It’s better to say stuff like:

“Hmm. You don’t want to take more math? I wonder if UC will accept you into their program if you were to apply without it. Let’s call to find out. What if you don’t call and don’t take the math? How would you feel if they didn’t accept you because you didn’t take pre-calc? Would you take it then? Where?”

We need to help our kids think about the choices they are making, not tell them the outcome of the choices before they’ve made them. We can point our children in the right direction—suggesting they find out what they don’t know and honestly, what we may not know either.

When Noah stuffed his transcript into the application envelope for college, he said the following:

“I’m going to be so mad at myself if not taking chemistry keeps me out of college.”

That’s what you want to hear! Noah knew it was his choice, one he made with full information—that most kids need chemistry in high school to qualify for college.

And wouldn’t you know? His wager won. He was accepted to the linguistics program without chemistry.

The main reason you don’t want to prophesy doom is because you really don’t know how things will turn out. You really don’t. But you do have valid concerns and some perspective and a slew of ideas about how to make a satisfying life. Your best bet is to engage in conversation, point out things to consider, and even to prophesy a little hope:

“I would hate to study chemistry too. In fact, I never did! We didn’t have to take that class in high school when I was your age. I wonder if there’s a way to get around it. I wonder, if it is required, if there’s a way to do it so it’s less annoying. But I know you. You’re smart! You’ll get to where you want to go eventually, and I want to help you get there. Shall we do a little research before we abandon the traditional path? Just to be sure?”

Resist the temptation to prophesy doom.

Establish the habit of research and considering all options.

Give support, faith, and love.

Then see what happens.

Tips for curriculum hunting

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

BinocularsImage by faungg

The early-birds are busy curriculum shopping for next year while the exhausted are saving that work for July.

Here are my tips for curriculum hunting:

1. If the curriculum is new to you, don’t buy a year’s worth all at once (unless it’s your usual math text book). See if you can borrow someone else’s for a month or purchase one level or one aspect of the program and test it. The worst thing you can do is make a big non-refundable year long investment in an untested product, only to feel obligated to slog through it (dragging unhappy kids along) all 10 months because you “spent so much money.”

2. Talk to your kids about your curriculum shopping. Get them involved. Bring them to the computer, read them descriptions, show them what the products look like. Kids have strong opinions about colors, fonts, paper textures, how the app works, what the philosophy is. You don’t want those strong opinions slapping you upside the head on the first day of school! And remember: they are the ones *using* it. So even if it totally appeals to you, that doesn’t mean it’s right for your child.

3. Purchase cool STUFF not just cool books. Kids love microscopes, binoculars, digital camcorders, digital hand held audio recorders, iPads, tablets, sewing machines, knitting needles, garden tools, watercolors, oils, an easel, sculpting clay, dress up clothes, pocket knives, sleds, bird feeders, tambourines, hammers, saws, shovels, walking sticks, beads, hand mixers, baking tins, finger puppets, globes, tea sets, canteens, umbrellas, graphing calculators, a compass, rulers, puzzles, blocks, new Lego sets, dominoes, recorders, bells and whistles, clipboards, new journals, new pens (try fountain!), music, and movies … You get the idea.

4. Understand the philosophy of the product, not just its goals or promises. Just because a product says it teaches a comprehensive view of American history doesn’t mean that the view it teaches is a fair-minded one. Just because a product says it teaches manipulative-based phonics to 6 year olds doesn’t mean it’s the right philosophy for your 6 year old. The philosophy needs to match your child’s aptitudes as well as your style of implementation. If you’re a “follow the inspiration” parent, a highly structured program will not likely be successful for you. And vice versa.

5. Understand your own philosophy of home education. You want to carry the thread all the way through your subject areas. It doesn’t work to go from one system to another, subject-to-subject. Make a list of your bottom lines (what you must have to feel successful at home with your kids). Then compare those to the curriculum choices you make. Don’t chase the “shiny new” just because it is shiny and new. Create a rhythm for your family that matches how you all actually live, not how you imagine you should be living.

6. It’s okay not to have all your books and decisions made before the year starts. In fact, experiment with feathering in subjects over the course of the first few months. Try using one product for a little while, then add a subject and another product. This is the key to success. Trying to do everything, all at once, from the first day, understanding all the practices, ideas, strategies, and plans can be exhausting and stressful to all.

Feel free to only do language arts for the first two weeks, to finish before lunch, to play all afternoon. You can add math, once LA is under control and everyone feels good. You can add history a few weeks later, once those two are humming along. This gives you time to select products, too, once you see what’s realistic for your family. That big DVD program might appeal in July, but by October, you see that your life is already really full and a simple math book is easier for you to manage. So give yourself room and space to think about what you use next year while the year is going, if that helps you.

What tips do you have? I’d love to hear them.

Cross-posted on facebook.

It’s the writer, not the writing

Monday, May 27th, 2013

UntitledIt’s tempting to see writing as something a person does, as assignments to complete, as skills to acquire for an academic or career purpose.

It’s tempting to evaluate the writing a person does as though it is a set of math problems—measurable, impersonal, external.

It’s tempting to push for completion, because the assignment or project has a due date or has to be done for the end-of-the-year evaluation.

The paradigm shift is this:

Writing is *not* like other subjects. Writing is closely related to the self, no matter what the content. Even mothers sending me email get nervous thinking I will read their questions, and wonder what I will make of them, because they are undressing their minds right in front of me. What will I see? How will I react?

How much more kids feel that way?

Take the “school definition” out of writing.

Focus instead on “writers.”

Tears mean the lesson is over for the day.

Partial work is valuable.

Progress happens through a series of attempts, not through wrestling a single project to the perfected finish.

Self-expression is a risk and needs you to treat it gently.

Support helps—and help is helpful (not damaging, not cheating, not short-cutting).

Academic formats require as much “soul investment” as fan fiction and diaries. You must be just as gentle and curious with an expository essay as you were with the story about your child’s pet gerbil.

Writers express what lives inside them. Writing is the form it is put in. Expression deserves respectful care. Mechanics deserve minimal care. Expression matters the most. Mechanics are marginally important.

Work on the two components separately and teach your writer to take responsibility for editing mechanics and getting someone to help him or her see what he or she can’t see without a second set of eyes.

That’s it. That’s all the attention mechanics deserve. They do not make or break the essence of the writing. They merely punctuate it, so someone else can approximate the tone and meaning the writer intends.

Brave Writer not brave writing.

Image by stevetulk