Write about one food tradition in your family for Thanksgiving.
When They Don’t Get It
The holiday season is uniquely challenging to homeschoolers.
All fall, you’ve blissfully gone along planning your days, teaching your children, enjoying the closeness of family learning unaware that anyone outside your four walls would suspect you of inflicting harm or undermining your children’s social skills or academic prowess.
Enter the holidays.
The “non-homeschooling” contingent will assemble and take over for the “state” on your behalf. While passing the glazed carrots to little Theo, Aunt Tilda will quiz: “What’s 2 times 6, darling?” Not to be outdone, your mother-in-law will probe 6th grader Emily: “Do you get out much, sweetheart? Have you any friends?” Your father will subtly remind you that you don’t have a degree in education and with the economy the way it is, wouldn’t it be wiser to get a part time job in your specific field to help support your husband rather than wasting your time all day in the house? Finally, your brother wonders how you can stand to be with your kids all day, every day.
If you come from a family that supports your homeschooling experience, rejoice and make them extra pumpkin pies! They are the wonderful few (I come from such a family and am deeply grateful).
Even if your family is supportive, though, you may find yourself at a holiday party where other adults pretend curiosity about your choice to homeschool while conveying thinly veiled skepticism about your qualifications.
I have a few tips for sticking up for this renegade homeschooling lifestyle you radical parents have chosen on behalf of your kids.
1. Don’t justify your choice by touting your credentials or qualifications.
Even if you have a teaching background, leave it out of the equation. The homeschooling movement benefits from a bold declaration that parents are adequate to teach children to read, write, and calculate times tables. Let skeptics know that you are as much educational coordinator as instructor, as your kids get older.
2. Focus on the enjoyment you get from being with your kids.
More important than discussing the failures of the school system is emphasizing how much you love being with your kids. No one can take that away from you. Most parents are startled to realize that being with your own children is a pleasure, not a dreaded task.
3. Talk about ‘family learning’ instead of school or education.
Many parents imagine assignments, grades, and lectures when they think of homeschool. They can’t picture imposing all that discipline and structure, while retaining a happy family atmosphere. Homeschool is different than institutional learning because the family is learning together. Discuss how everyone gets involved at their own level when working on a history topic or science experiment, when freewriting or listening to a novel read aloud. Tell them about tea time and poetry. Resist the temptation to explain how what you do matches what a school requires.
4. Validate their authority in selecting the educational choices they’ve made.
This is perhaps the most important thing you can do—talk about educational choice. All of us make choices in how we educate our children. Let them know that you support their enthusiasm for the school system and that you can see how that’s working out for their kids (find whatever good is occurring in their lives and support it). Then share the unique joys of homeschool.
5. Resist defending your kids’ social lives.
That one rarely goes anywhere good. We’ve all been programmed since toddlerhood to believe that socialization matters and that it happens at school. Trying to get adults to understand differently is an exercise in clacking your noggin against a cutting board! Just let them know your children do have social lives and that you aren’t worried one bit about your kids’ futures as successful people in the world.
6. Take responsibility for the outcome of homeschool.
I always like to remind inquiring people that I know I took a risk by keeping my kids home. I tell them that I didn’t know how it would all turn out, but I was willing to take a chance and make corrections as I went. I even say that my kids may make different decisions for their own children when they are older. I avoid committing to superior learning, better college admittance scores, brilliance in my offspring, or anything that puts pressure on my kids to be poster-children for homeschooling. They don’t need it or deserve the scrutiny. I take all the skepticism on to me, and I let the failure they may associate with my homeschool choice fall on my head. Protect your kids. Don’t tout their astounding brains because someone will immediately conjure a pop quiz.
7. Don’t talk to rude people.
Turn away insulting comments with a polite, “I’d rather not talk about homeschool on my holiday vacation. This is my time off.” Curmudgeons don’t deserve the full “why I homeschool” defense. Use the remote control or dessert to distract the persistent. As we like to say…
Give them pie.
The bottom line is this: You homeschool because it feels like the best educational choice for your family. That’s a good enough reason for everyone. And you can stop right there, if you need to.
Beware the “Random Assessment”
My kids
Warning: I’m about to brag. If you are already dreading the Christmas letter season wherein families trumpet their exceptional children, skip this post. I can’t help it. Sometimes my own children stun me (just like yours stun you).
I did not teach music. I was not against music. I played CDs, we listened to some classical when my kids were really little (without any attempt to explain or teach it), and I offered voice/piano/musical instrument lessons to my kids once we could afford them (meaning my children didn’t start piano or saxophone or singing until they were teens). Somehow, all of my kids love music, and a couple of them are truly devoted to all genres, including classical. I woke this morning to this discussion between my oldest (Noah, 24) and my third child (Jacob, almost 20).
Give your kids the gift of learning and they will outlearn you for the rest of their lives (at least, that’s the idea and it seems to be working in their 20s).
P.S. Jacob is a resident assistant in his dorm at Ohio State and those are residents kissing him. 🙂 He looks happy about it.
Friday Freewrite: BFFs
What makes your best friend your best friend?
When kids are unhappy
Over the course of your 10-20 year homeschool odyssey, your kids are going to be unhappy at times. Some of the unhappiness will last months (maybe a year!). Sometimes you’re unhappy and it bleeds into the family culture. Let’s look at how to address some of the boredom and crankiness that visits the various ages and stages of children in your house.
Kids express unhappiness the way kids do:
- boredom
- anger
- fidget-i-ness
- being silly
- procrastinating
- pretending not to listen
- picking on a sibling or the family dog
- tears
- staring blankly out a window
- arguing
- campaigning for what they think will make them happy
- calling someone else a bad name
- doing poorly executed work
- not caring
- not investing
- giving up
- pretending to be happy when they really aren’t
- showing signs of stress and anxiety (sleeplessness, restlessness, not interested in eating)
- comparing your home to someone else’s
- rejecting your values
- siding with the other parent who momentarily seems more fun
A 4-5 year old who is bored is much easier to rescue than a teenager who feels suffocated and has decided to challenge the values of the family. Yet the underlying feeling is similar—it’s unhappiness—and we can facilitate a huge turn around in how our kids experience our homes and “schools” if we help them become peaceful, cooperative, empowered-from-within, happy kids again.
Tuning into your child
Any child who is unhappy needs a parent to tune in and take notice! You’re the adult: you get to set aside your agenda to find out what your child needs.
The toddler needs physical touch and expression of energy (hugs, tickles, eye contact, being flipped upside down, wrestling, chasing, jumping up and down on a bed) to get the adrenaline flowing, to feel reconnected, to up-end a mood. Sometimes food, sometimes a nap, sometimes a cuddle on the couch is enough.
The young child benefits from focused attention on his or her specific interests. Too much time spent on your agenda will lead to tedium and crankiness. Bend low to make eye contact first. Then: a board game, running around the back yard, sitting in your lap for a picture book, helping you set the table for a snack, playing on the floor, singing to a CD…these help pull the young child out of the helpless, resentful mood of too many days in a row of someone else’s agenda.
The middler needs a dedicated time regularly (every day? every other day?) where there is no limit (reading as long as he or she likes without having to do anything else or without being required to sleep, playing a computer game without a timer ending the turn, watching TV and lying on the couch without having to get up, being allowed to finish the entire math book because he’s on a roll, digging a hole in the backyard as deep and wide as she likes, taking a scandalous amount of time to organize a bookshelf or rearrange the bedroom furniture, going to the zoo or the museum or the park or the nature preserve to indulge whatever interest is currently on fire, practicing a musical instrument for an entire day).
Middlers are curious. They benefit from indulgence in their curiosity and they especially appreciate it when you “get it.” If you notice that a particular child is obsessed with a hobby right now, take advantage of that white heat of passion and let them go! Buy a book, or rent a DVD, or take a field trip, or purchase new equipment, that adds meaning and energy to the passion. (And yes, I include the Wii, XBox 360, online gaming, and Play Station in this list of “passions” just like I include an absurdly long time of pining for American Girl Doll accessories while paging through a catalog. I’ve seen good stuff come from these sources in kids.)
The young teen is often the most moody and the hardest to cajole out of the mood. We’ve got hormones raging and they are old enough to feel the “been there, done that” of homeschool. They’re looking for adventure, yet they are not quite old enough to take charge and make it happen. Try a conversation about BHAGs (Big Hairy Audacious Goals). Ask them if there were no monetary limits and no time limits and no travel limits, what might they like to do? You might find out that your teen wants to take piano lessons for the first time, or wants to join a sports team, or a theater troupe, or learn Klingon, or go to Space Camp, or become expert at fashion. You may not cure the moodiness, but you can facilitate a brand new, grown-up adventure to buffer the sense of tedium that encroaches at ages 13-14. Talk to the teen! Find out what’s missing. Do the best you can to help it happen (you might need that teen to earn money or find someone to drive them or to start small and build—but put that goal somewhere visible and all of you work toward it).
The older teen is nearly at adulthood and feeling the tug between wanting a “mommy” and wanting to be respected as a “fledgling adult.” Risk and adventure. That’s what they need. Let them lead you into conversations about their interests, their viewpoints that aren’t yours, their anxieties. These conversations happen best one-on-one, with yummy food or drinks. Make time for the older teen and remember: they are gone A LOT! So if one comes home at midnight ready to talk, you get the toothpicks out to prop your eyelids open and you sit on the bed and talk. The older teen sometimes needs to challenge how he or she was raised and you need to go soft inside and let those words slide over you. They aren’t the final verdict. They are the words of a “near adult” trying to find his or her way this week. Be interested, be quiet, be curious, be gentle, be willing to take it.
Bottom Line:
You can’t keep everyone happy all the time and be happy yourself. Not possible! What you can do is pay attention, remind yourself that these years are fleeting (no matter how today feels), and that the needs of your children are reasonable and real. Just like yours. You may not fix any of it in a day, but you can do One Thing today to help alleviate some of the building pressure in the home. If you have Many Children (like so many homeschoolers), you’ll need help! Tag team with the co-parent or a friend. Get the community involved (youth workers, coaches, aunts and uncles, grandparents).
Take Care of You:
You need to be happy too: vitamins, exercise, therapy (it helps if you need it!), time alone, a passion or hobby, a good relationship with your significant other, and a source of joy each day (tea, flipping through a magazine, bubble bath, chocolate, gardening, your favorite rerun on TBS, your spiritual practice).
You can do it!
Image by Andrew Stawarz (cc)
