Archive for the ‘Podcasts’ Category

Podcast: That Pernicious Topic: Chores

That Pernicious Topic: Chores

The number one question I get is not how to prepare kids for college, or what you need to start homeschooling, or even about homeschooling at all — it’s about chores.

  • Should kids be assigned chores?
  • Should they be rewarded?
  • How do we enforce them?

While we’ve got our little ones home all day, we’ve got to keep our house running and sanitary. We’re not necessarily looking for a perfectly presentable home, but we are looking for order and a sense that yesterday’s mess will not impede today’s progress.

Let’s go over three myths regarding chores as well as practical solutions.

Show Notes

What’s the secret to keeping a decent house?

The unsatisfying truth of it is just that “it gets better.” If you have young kids under 8, just know that this is a near impossible task. This is when keeping a tidy house will be most difficult and when it will be hardest to recruit your little ones to help — and even if they do, it won’t be to the level of an adult. If you have small children, give yourself some grace and know that this will not be your life forever.

That doesn’t mean to give up on today! You don’t have to wait until your kids grow up and get shipped off to college before you have a tidy house. But it will get better over time, and you may have to adjust your expectations while your kids are younger. As your kids get older, they will be able to help out more. You will get better at housekeeping and homeschooling. And eventually, you will find a rhythm that works most of the time.

Myth #1: Chores develop character

There’s a belief among parents everywhere that, by learning to wash dishes and vacuum the rug, you are developing a child’s character. The character development that most parents expect to be developed are responsibility, hard work, and teamwork. This is the number one way to require children to contribute to chores guilt-free.

So is it true? Do chores develop character? Does the execution of chores by someone who doesn’t want to do them automatically make someone a better person?

The answer is no!

Your kids can learn the skills, and that is surely valuable. But there are countless examples of people who grew up with tidy parents, who were forced to do chores, but ended up living in messy households as an adult. Just because we teach a child something does not mean it will become a value as an adult.

When kids don’t like something but we need it to be done, it’s hard to admit that we’re just taking advantage of our power and authority within the family. Instead of admitting that we have the power to make our kids perform these tasks, we turn it into a value in order to absolve our guilt. The correlation is just imagined.

And don’t worry, we’ll address how to handle this later!

Myth #2: Kids live here too, so they owe the family a responsibility to maintain it

This supposes the notion that because your children live in your house they have a responsibility to maintain it. It’s an understandable perspective.

Let’s get one caveat out of the way: If a child is a participant in making a mess, it’s reasonable to expect them to clean that up before moving on. This is when your child has created disorder and has to spend their energy restoring order.

But when you’re assigning tasks that the children have no interest in, and which have no relation to their usage of the house, that is where you will run into problems.

Myth #3: You can’t do it all by yourself

This statement is probably true: You can’t — and shouldn’t be expected to — do this all on your own. You just feel stuck. This leads to a feeling of guilt around asking our kids to do this. We all wish there was some way to get our kids to get our children’s cooperation and their happiness simultaneously. But that’s not how it works.

If you impose a set of rules on your children around how they participate with home maintenance, you can’t require a good attitude.

Kids do not have the same standards as their parents when it comes to home maintenance. They aren’t bothered by the mess, and therefore don’t see why it’s so necessary to contribute to cleaning it.

The missing ingredient

The missing ingredient to all three of these myths is the personality of your children. We usually approach this in a top-down manner: the parent decides the standard of home maintenance and assigns the children various roles in maintaining that standard. But if we’re truly going to teach responsibility, teamwork, and group participation, can’t we get there by involving them in setting the standards?

Our children were not involved in many of the decisions adults made regarding the type of yard, house, and standard of maintenance we have. It is not our child’s agenda. So how can we have calm, order, and maintenance, without turning our child’s discontent into a taboo.

Home maintenance, order, and happiness

How do we get all three? Here’s what needs to happen: Have a group meeting about all the things that need to be a certain way in our house. And start with our children’s ideas, not ours.

Ask them: What would you hope the kitchen looked like when you go in to bake muffins, make a sandwich, or blend a smoothie? Most people would say “I hope the counter is clear,” “I hope the dishes I need are clean,” or “I hope the blender was rinsed out.”

What about the family room? What would you hope it would look like if you wanted to play with toys on the floor? Surely you’d hope that nobody else left their toys from earlier, currently unused, just where you were hoping to play!

When we talk to them as if we are problem-solving for their benefit, we are helping them develop the character qualities we want them to have–being considerate, being responsible — while relating them to the activities they actually do. Hold them accountable to the standards they have for the home.

This isn’t really about chores. This is about how parents wield their authority. If you come from a position where you have a right to require chores from your children, you will be taking a big withdrawal from your emotional relationship bank. Think about what goal you are trying to accomplish and get your child’s input so they have a meaningful say in how they spend their lives.



Brave Writer Podcast

Podcast: Rigor vs. Relaxed Alertness

Brave Writer Podcast

How do parents ensure that homeschooling is challenging and rigorous enough for their kids to become smart, successful adults?

Many parents are under the impression that rigor is the best version of learning. Education that is rigorous means students are learning more, so many see rigor as a measuring tool for how serious the institution is for learning. But is that really the case?

Let’s deconstruct the notion of rigor and see if there is something easier to implement and more effective for learning.

Listen to the Podcast

Show Notes

The paradox of preparation

What’s the goal of all that schoolish drudgery and hard work, the intensity and pressure of performance? 

Most often cited is a goal to be prepared for whatever the next educational step may be. The way we interpret preparation has a lot to do with our perceptions of the places we want our kids to go next. We treat junior high as a dress rehearsal for high school by making junior high or middle school just as hard as high school. But how do we prepare students for junior high? By making elementary school more rigorous. And how do we prepare them for that?

We borrow worry from the future in the form of “preparing” for challenges yet to come, which leads to a spiraling of preparation that often leads to absurd results. When is it okay to just be where we are instead of preparing for what’s ahead?

Where does this love of “difficulty” and “struggle” come from?

In the United States, we’ve adopted a credo—that to be a person of value, you ought to have a story of struggle to prove your worth. We admire stories of struggle! We love tales of achievement. Some kids are the first in their families to go to college or to become professionals, while their working class parents scrimped and saved to make those dreams possible. We love these stories!

Adversity that is overcome is prized—as it should be—because it proves that it’s possible to lead lives of supreme value despite obstacles thrown in the way. That kind of rigor is the kind we do admire and should. But what about “academic rigor?” What’s that all about?

Because we are a culture that values duty and hard work, we sometimes forget that there is a full human being to consider. We focus on the discipline, the persistence, the demonstration of achievement over and above leading a life of wellness and wholeness. Rigor for its own sake is not valuable. You could work hard carrying a bag of rocks up and down a hill until you are exhausted to prove you can do it, but is there any inherent need to do that task? Does it serve you in any meaningful way? Effort alone does not confer value, does not encode content or information to the memory more effectively.

So if rigor is not the characteristic that ensures the optimal context for learning, what does?

Rigor vs. Preparation

Our goal in learning is not to get more comfortable with difficulty, but to become more prepared for the experience of challenge. Preparation and rigor are not one in the same. We feel most prepared when we enter a particular mind state while learning. What is that state?

My favorite brain researchers, Geoffrey and Renate Caine, tell us that we are best ready to face learning challenges from a state of what they call “relaxed alertness.” They define that state as: “Low threat and high challenge.” Here we have the nexus of the idea. We falsely associate rigor with challenge and struggle, and thereby accidentally create high stakes, high threat conditions for learning.

Relaxed alertness functions in a different way. It’s the state where the child feels he or she has enough skills, enough understanding to meet the next challenge with some confidence. A low threat environment.

In a Stanford study of relaxed alertness, the researchers found that people in this state are apt to describe how they feel like this:

  • “Even though I am challenged and excited (even anxious), I feel capable and trust in my abilities.”
  • “My mind is relatively focused and open to possibilities despite obstacles or potential uncertainties.”
  • “My actions are under my control. I want to respond to this situation.”

When we focus on rigor, students are more likely to respond in these ways:

  • “My body is tense and agitated because I don’t know what to do.”
  • “My mind is distracted or focused too narrowly.”
  • “My actions are not under my control. I don’t really want to act on this.”

Creating a learning environment that is oriented to rigor may lead you to a high threat experience rather than a meaningful challenge.

One of the exciting data points in the research shows that “relaxed alertness” can become a habitual state for any of us. But how do we get there? The brain is adaptable, meaning that it can adapt to experiences that repeat. What I love about this understanding is that homeschooling is the best opportunity we have to help our kids experience preparation and relaxed alertness rather than the shiny distraction called “rigor.” 

Facilitating Relaxed Alertness at Home

Consider this cluster of traits researchers have identified:

  • Self-efficacy—a child’s belief that he or she is capable. It starts there! This is one of the reasons we jot down our kids’ thoughts to show them the value of their thinking that deserves to be in writing. It’s the reason we compliment a child on completing a LEGO build or we admire their elaborate costume they created for play or we notice when they patiently wait for their turn without crying. As we honor the times our kids show their capacities, we reinforce that these skills they possess are a valuable resource to all of us, but especially to them.
  • Resilience—a child’s ability to bounce back from setbacks or failure. Think of the child who goes for the goal in a soccer match and misses. That child gets back out on the field with a belief that next time will be different. Do we cultivate that same sense in learning? Do we say: “So you didn’t read that word correctly, you’ll read many more words in your lifetime. Let’s tackle the next one”? Can we remind our child of their capacity for improvement and regrouping, for problem-solving?
  • Self-Regulated Learners (taking charge of their own learning)—a child who is motivated intrinsically to know whatever it is they want to know! Think about how much your kids can go down a rabbit trail of fascination. Rigor might ask your student to perform better and better on common core standards. Meanwhile your child is on his third read through of the Redwall book series. This child is choosing to take in Redwall at a much more profound level, retaining more and more of the cadence of the language, the story-line, the character development, the moral arc of the message. Why do we see re-reading as not “rigorous” enough when in fact it may be the single best way for a child to become a relaxed, alert, self-regulated learner? Whenever a child gets lost in that rabbit hole of fascination, you know you’ve arrived!

Think of what you are growing in your children this way: “confidence, competence, and motivation grounded in meaning or purpose.” That’s what we can do at home!

When you are worried that you are not giving your kids what they need to become those high-achieving students who go to the special schools whose claim is that they give a rigorous education, remind yourself of this first: you have the opportunity to grow emotionally whole, well-adjusted, relaxed and alert learners who can rely on themselves to learn — not some school’s high stakes, high threat environment that pushes them to become stressed and agitated.



Brave Writer Podcast

Starter Kit for Teaching at Home

Starter Kit for Teaching at Home

Whether you’re brand new to homeschool, new to Brave Writer, or simply back at it again, I know you want to be the best home educator you can be for your kids.

You may spend hours researching which curriculum to buy, but how much time do you dedicate to becoming the kind of home educator your children deserve?

I did a series of four podcasts designed to give you the teacher-training you need. I shared with you strategies for how to make your home a place where learning is contagious and consistent!

So grab your Airpods or your Beats or whatever headphones you use and tune in.

Consider this series your Home Education Teacher In-Service Training!

Once you have listened to all four podcasts, you will feel a sigh of relief knowing you have tools to help you be the best educator you can be for your children.

Starter Kit for Teaching at Home

1. Out of the Classroom: Brave Schooling

Learning is not an activity that is confined to just school, and I want to teach you how to make learning a natural part of your life and your children’s! 

2. Joy-Centered Learning for the Reluctant Learner

Learn how to step back from insistence and coercion to rediscover the joy of learning—whether that comes through interests or directed school subjects. This episode is deeply practical with steps you can take to make even academic subjects meaningful to the most resistant learner.

3. Creativity in Teaching

In this episode, I walk you through five stages of creativity in teaching and offer you oodles of ideas for how to bring that creativity into your homeschool.

4. Growing Minds

Finally, what’s the point of all this education if your children’ don’t become more curious about the world, more able to assess and explore it themselves? We have a sacred trust: growing our children’s minds. 

Learn how to cultivate the critical thinker in your child!

Still worried?

If you are still concerned about public school standards, I hear you!

Tune in for my fifth podcast in the starter kit.

BONUS Episode

5. When You Worry about Public School Standards

Are you worried that you may “ruin” your kids? They may love learning but they will have serious academic gaffes if you keep your kids home. Or perhaps you worry they won’t be socialized or will miss out on school traditions like sports, marching band, prom, and Spanish club.

Homeschoolers have proven for decades that they can enter the school system at any point in time and be successful. While we all know that in theory, it’s easy to wonder if your child is the exception.

So let’s put that fear to rest once and for all.

Brave Writer Podcast

Podcast: When You Worry About Public School Standards

When You Worry About Public School Standards

I heard from a mom who wanted to know how to shed the fear that her children won’t be ready to enter the school system one day. She wanted to be able to put her kids in school at any given moment—next semester, next year, maybe high school, definitely college.

So, let’s talk about the difference between being educated and schooled, being a learner and being a student.

Are you worried that you may “ruin” your kids? They may love learning but they will have serious academic gaffes if you keep your kids home. Or perhaps you worry they won’t be socialized or will miss out on school traditions like sports, marching band, prom, and Spanish club.

  • Do you wonder how a child “catches up” if behind in a particular subject area?
  • What happens to the child who wants to enter school but never kept up with math or skipped over science?
  • What if your child is entering high school without ever having studied a foreign language?
  • And finally, how can you tell if you are doing a good enough job at preparing your child for tests, lockers, or self-management in a classroom?

The underlying belief that I hear behind this fear is: To be successful in school, you have to go to school for years without interruption. Is that really the case?

Homeschoolers have proven for decades that they can enter the school system at any point in time and be successful. We know that in theory, but there’s always the feeling that your child may be the exception. So let’s take this topic one piece at a time and put that fear to rest.

Listen to the podcast

Show Notes

What is a good student?

Being a good student has to do with self-management in the classroom, following instructions for homework conducted away from school, participation in class, and preparing for in-class tests, oral reports, and group projects. Despite being in a classroom, children experience a kind of autonomy at school away from their parents. To be a good student means that you perform in a way that the school values. To be a poor student means you don’t cooperate as well with those goals and standards. A good student is someone who retains the material for tests, turns in homework on time, participates in class by asking questions respectfully. A poor student misses deadlines, doesn’t study, forgets to turn in homework, is disruptive in class. 

Grades are awarded to help parents know how well the child is managing self in the school environment.

What is a good learner?

Learning and being schooled/educated are not identical. Learning implies personal possession—what you retain and use. Being well-schooled could mean passing a class and not remembering the content a year later. 

Homeschooled kids usually remember the books they read. They are self-selected, they are discussed over dinner, they are enjoyed for their own sake—not wrung dry of meaning by over-analysis and paper writing.

To overcome anxiety about keeping up with school requires a fundamental shift in what we hope to accomplish at home—learning for its value to the child, not just for administrators or educators.

What if my child falls behind?

The danger, of course, is that parents remember school and they associate a collection of skills with various grade levels. So if your child isn’t reading by age 7 or 8, it’s easy to worry. The feeling is that the homeschooled child is behind and will be somehow handicapped going forward with education.

What makes homeschooling a great choice is that a child can give more mental energy to a different aspect of their schooling while they mature a little more for the subject that feels too demanding or difficult. Not only that, but a child who is home educated is also learning more than a school subject. Learners are learning how to learn—what it takes for the subject to click inside the child. Without grades, there is no other measurement: The child either knows times tables or doesn’t; the child knows how to read or doesn’t; the child read the book or she didn’t. With grades, you can slide by with a B or C, sort of knowing, passed along to the next level without confidence that the child has fully internalized the skill.

For kids who appear to be behind because they are homeschooled, if they go to school at that point, they are often quicker to teach themselves what they have missed because they know what it feels like to learn—to do what it takes to know more, to understand better, to not rest until they are confident.

Raising a learner means you are teaching intrinsic motivation, not just performance.

One of the biggest challenges of transitioning to school from home is not being behind in skills (though that is possible and happens). It’s the feeling of moving at the pace of the general student in class. If you are behind, that feels like pressure. If you’re ahead, it feels like tedium.

Homeschoolers who choose to do public school are dedicated to catching up in the areas where they feel lacking. They have the energy to do that extra work because they aren’t burned out on school, and they have the self-awareness to know when they need extra support from a teacher. They aren’t afraid to ask for that help either since the goal was learning, not performing.

The last aspect of this is what to do about the classroom experience. How do you train a child to remember homework, to use a locker, to plan ahead? The good news is: even those skills have some leeway. If your child fails a test because they’ve never seen a scantron before, teach them how to do it and ask to redo the test. Because homeschoolers know how to teach themselves and are motivated, they perform better than students who are normally behind.

The thing about homeschool is this: Your kids can learn what they need at home. They can go to school and learn new skills and catch up or surpass their peers. None of it is a sentence or indictment.

Sometimes, what you are going to discover with homeschooled kids in a traditional classroom environment is that they are not suited for schooling, but they are perfectly suited for learning. For those of you who are afraid that your kids aren’t learning to be good schooled students, you may actually be saving them from a life sentence of torture where they’re trying to conform themselves to a system that does not allow them to have the learning experience they deserve.

Being a student means somebody else is creating the system for you that will move you through the material at a systematic pace that prepares you for the next part of that phase: college. Learners are not necessarily wedded to a system, and while their learning looks more chaotic and less guided, they are still learning the internal drive to master any subject they want.

If you want to be a person who makes what you’re learning your own, in or out of a school environment, the best thing you can do is to start learning how to learn without pressure and developing a system that helps you be an effective learner in any environment. That is what homeschooling offers for your children.



Brave Writer Podcast

Podcast: Growing Minds

Growing Minds

Did you ever think of learning as training your brain chemistry?

The goal of skill-building in learning is automaticity, fluency, ease of use. It’s as useful to the child learning to ride a bike as it is the teen learning to think critically. Becoming automatic looks just like

  • ease,
  • skill, or
  • fluency.

Think of what it’s like driving: You can sing along to the radio and think about the upcoming election simultaneously, all while changing lanes on a highway at 75 miles per hour. Driving is so automatic that you have the bandwidth to focus on other things—but it wasn’t like that when you were first learning, where just the radio could be a distraction. How can we facilitate this growth of a mind, skill, fluency? How can we train our children’s brain chemistry for learning?

The three primary tools that we want to teach children and then build upon as teenagers are the “3 R’s” of reading, writing, arithmetic. These are the tools that help children get at everything they will ever want to know, but we often unload them in the most uninteresting way possible—through a workbook.

For novice homeschoolers, teaching from the book seems like the easiest and most approachable way to educate. But what if you looked at the workbooks as a reinforcing tool, not the main teaching tool, and you found ways to convey the power of that subject outside of the book first? Let them have the same excitement for the subject they had when discovering the world.

Listen to the Podcast

Show Notes

What does it mean to grow a mind with regard to these 3 R’s, seeking to help our children find their way into these worlds as participants, not just as observers?


Most parents get this right: reading out loud while the child is in the womb, at bedtime, and reading together. If kids later stop enjoying reading, it could be because the family lost touch of reading as a joy. To invite a child to learn to read there has to be a gain for the child. Sometimes all it takes is an external motivation, pairing the hard work with a celebration that they put in.

Deep reading is also an essential part of the reading process. Remove distractions and read silently, but still together, for 20 minutes or more. Encourage reading on a regular basis and avoiding distractions from notifications and scrolling.


Value your children’s words by writing them down. Let them experience you valuing their words, their inner life, as writing. This signals to them that they are already writers, even if they can’t read yet. And don’t stop then. Validate your older kids that their thoughts deserve to be in writing. If they are complaining about rules, take out some paper and take notes. Signal that you take their words seriously.

If a child is charged with a writing project spend time in conversations about all the angles you could take. This set of questions can help kids get in touch with another level of thinking:

  • Who’s telling the story?
  • Who’s story isn’t being told?
  • What’s being promoted?
  • What’s being excluded?
  • What assumptions did I bring with me?
  • Which of my assumptions were sustained or confirmed?
  • Which of my assumptions were challenged or overturned?

We cannot ask our kids to write meaningfully without stirring up the part of them that has something to say. Writing is not primarily about the formats and mechanics, that comes after you have things to say.


Why does math appear to be so hard for so many people? It’s because so many people are never taught to find joy in math. There are two primary ways to teach math: the traditional way through textbooks, where you incrementally master processes that you apply to the problems in the workbook. It can include tools, and definitely relies on repeated practice and tests to confirm mastery. This process works great for some kids, but not for others.

For kids who don’t adapt to the traditional method, the secondary method of using a narrative approach to teach math may be preferred. Ask your child to narrate aloud what they are saying to themselves as they work out the process of solving a problem. Most math work is invisible. This is the way to validate that they understand the way to reach a conclusion—and if they don’t how to better explain the concept. Then ask them if the strategy they are using is useful or helpful to them. Then ask if they want to try it a different way, one that might make more sense for them. Finally, ask them “What still puzzles you?” Verify where they are getting hung up so you can gently remove the roadblocks.

When growing the mind, you can take the same caring, natural approach you took with your young children. Show interest in your kids. Notice their opinions. Be patient with their tantrums. Be their partners and their support system to help grow their minds.



Brave Writer Podcast