Raking them, jumping into them, collecting them. Describe an experience involving leaves. Go!
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Getting out of debt
Image by Chris Metcalf
At the recent BW workshop in Richmond, one of the repeated discussion points that surfaced during private conversations with participants was this: fear—fear of failing, fear of not doing it right or enough, fear that mistakes irrevocable were being made or had been made.
This fear catalyzes a frantic search outside of self to find the right tool, or the right co-op, or the right program, or the right philosophy to lead your family. Yet the resources for a rich, vibrant homeschool live inside of you – they don’t live in a book or a course or an expert.
The best education your children will receive is the one offered to them by a grounded, caring, attentive, flexible parent—who is growing right alongside the child, making micro adjustments from a place of some confidence (confidence that is also expanding, not static, sometimes not present, but always evolving).
About four years ago, I went through a significant reevaluation of my life. This is typical forties stuff (developmental stage of growth in adulthood, really). In that time, I reflected a lot on what constituted “well-being.” I wanted it for me, I wanted it for my family.
After the discussions at the workshop, I thought these notes from that time might be of some use to any/all of you. Let me know what you think:
I think of my well-being as knowing what it takes to feel right-side up with the world—where my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are accessible to me, and I can express them without anxiety. It means ensuring that the space I live in is one that supports that self-expression. It means living a life where I’m not lying or hiding for self-protection. It means not depending on someone else to create that space for me, nor spending my energy trying to ensure that space for someone else.
It seems to me that we aren’t really giving of ourselves when we set aside our well-being for someone else’s. We’re protecting ourselves from pain (the painful realization that we aren’t needed, or don’t match someone else’s expectations, or can’t bring happiness or learning; or to cover our own feelings of dislocation and not belonging). We aren’t protecting ourselves from mistreatment or abuse, either, since love never covers that multitude of sins. Only good fences and a fierce loyalty to your well-being can stop the force of control and anger aimed at you (whether that comes from inside – self-critical voices, or outside – family members, discussion boards, “friends,” or reading material).
Truth is, you can only give if there’s something in the tank to give away. No program gives itself. No philosophy governs your home apart from your embracing of it, and growing in it. You can’t implement or lead if you are unsteady and anxious, if you hide who you are to remain a member of a group.
If you go into debt to yourself (not attending to your anxieties or fears), some day your soul will come to collect. “You can’t cheat the dark gods.” The price can be high, depending how deep the debt. You wouldn’t go into debt to give to a charity, and so you shouldn’t go into soul debt in order to love others. That expression will be unique to your family, looking like the personality of who you are and no one else.
If we safeguard our well-being, gently protecting it like you would your grandmother’s nicest china dessert dish, you’ll be able to give to others because your spirit will be in good shape, ready and able to be the platter from which love is served.
I didn’t know this, for my whole life. So I was way in debt. I’ve been paying it off slowly for several years now, looking at overdue bills and figuring out how to settle accounts with myself.
It takes some courage to be honest about how things really are in your family and homeschool. But that’s okay. You can go slowly, make space for yourself to heal or expand, and to be present to the ones you love as you do.
Go forth and be well. You and your family deserve your well-being.
Cross-posted on facebook.
What healthy looks like
I spent the night at a friend’s home. I woke up before the married couple who lived there. Their dog was awake and eager to be uncrated. So I opened the latch and then opened the sliding glass door to let him go outside to do his business.
This is how it worked with my dog and I assumed it would work with Kapu. He panted and yelped a bit, he made circles in his crate but wouldn’t leave it. I coaxed him to come out and eventually he put a paw outside the crate, followed by another. Clearly agitated, though, he didn’t romp outside the way I expected.
At about that time, the “man of the house” and long term dear friend descended the steps and noticed the dog’s confusion (and mine!). He saw that Kapu was hovering near the sliding door. Bill turned to me and said, “You know dogs. They have their habits. Kapu is used to eating in his crate right when he wakes up before we put him outside.” Then he turned to his dog and with the kindest, friendliest voice urged Kapu to go outside, “Go on Kapu. I know. You’ll get your food after. That’s a boy! Go on!” He chuckled lightly. Kapu obeyed and returned to the house ready to eat. Bill scratched him behind the ears.
Unremarkable moment in Bill’s life, I’m sure. But for me, it was one of those “Oh wow!” moments. A routine event didn’t go the way it was supposed to, and that break in routine was greeted with gentleness, humor, and a kind spirit.
I stood there in Bill’s kitchen watching his gentle guidance offered to Kapu and I thought to myself: No one has to get angry just because something isn’t going the way it should or because the other party is confused or momentarily off balance. It’s possible to bring clarity and support to another with kindness. No sternness required, no assumption of nefarious motives.
How much our children deserve that kind of sympathy! How much anyone in our lives does!
I made a list of what “healthy” looks like to me a few years back:
Curiosity over accusation. When you find someone’s behavior strange or upsetting or simply different than you expected, ask questions, show interest. Don’t make assumptions, accuse, or assign intentions/motives.
Kindness over force. Kindness means a quiet voice, a gentle tone. Force is coercive—it uses an urgent (sometimes loud) tone to create anxiety in the other person to provoke an action. Kindness assumes that the person can be reached through support rather than control.
Trust over suspicion. As a friend says, “I look for reasons to trust people.” A disposition that trusts creates open lines of communication and freedom to take risks. It creates a willingness to own up to mistakes or poor choices. Suspicion kills creativity and it drives shame underground. Secrets grow in an atmosphere of suspicion.
Acceptance over control. To truly accept means that you are willing to receive what is offered without judgment or interference. Control means the other person needs to match my expectations before I can accept what is offered. (Your five minutes at dinner with me before you head out the door again is enough because you gave it freely; not: Because you didn’t eat a full dinner with me, I won’t be friendly to you during the meal.)
Owning personal limits over imposing personal limits. If I need something to be a certain way, I make it happen or take responsibility to make it happen. I don’t require others to create the space I need to live in. I create it for myself. I don’t blame others for my lack.
Expressing my disappointment over calling you a disappointment. When expectations surface and aren’t met, sharing my disappointment as an unmet need rather than assigning you the label “disappointing” is healthy.
Asking for help over requiring it. It’s risky to say “Would you help me….?” because the person might say, “No.” But to require “help” is to remove the possibility of “gift.” A requirement of help can become a source of festering resentment. To share what you need and ask for help means a person has the chance to be good to you. People love to know that what they do is genuinely appreciated as a free gift, not as an obligation.
Surprise me over “that’s who you are and always will be.” I like to find out you are more than I know or thought I knew. Labels limit people and we stop being surprised and amazed by them. If when you risk sharing a new way of seeing or being with someone you love and you are met with skepticism “You don’t like X” or “You’re not that kind of person,” it shuts down the adventure of living… for both of you. Give your children the gift of being delightful surprises to you.
Passion over discipline. Discipline fuels passion, true enough. But you can’t get to passion by starting with discipline. Knowing a person’s passion and supporting it does more to create a climate of enthusiasm and joy than all the rules, systems, structures, and good ideas in the world. Discipline alone is soul-stealing.
Yelling never works. Unless your house is on fire or a semi is about to crush your car.
Affirm over suggest. Find traits to affirm, look for ways to validate the other person’s judgment, thought processes, ideas before offering your own. Only make suggestions when asked.
What others can you think of?
If we treated the people we love (and even those we don’t yet know) as intelligent, reasonable, logical human beings, whose insights, practices, yearnings, and hopes made good sense (given who they are, where they live, how they got to this phase of life) rather than as dangerous, misguided, self-centered, or illogical, we’d discover so much more to love between us.
If we listened well and showed interest, if we held back judgment and attempted to see through the eyes of the other, if we kept a cheerful tone (or at minimum, a gentle one), and waited patiently for more understanding before slapping on labels or expecting someone to be who we say they are…we could avert so much emotional punishment…the feeling that you are scorned for being yourself.
The image that comes to my mind is a huge WELCOME mat. I welcome you to my space, as you are, ready to serve you and enjoy you. How about tea?
Cross-posted on facebook.
Image © Alina Shilzhyavichyute | Dreamstime.com
Poetry Teatime: Cloth napkins
We are new to the Bravewriter ‘lifestyle’ and this was our first Poetry Tea! We used what we had on hand for treats, but brightened it up with a pretty tablecloth and cloth napkins.
The boys always prefer Shel Silverstein, but also really enjoy the rhythm of A. A. Milne. It was a lovely moment, possibly the prettiest of our first week of school!
~Kirsten
See more pics on Kirsten’s blog, kirsten*can.
Weariness
Image by Alyssa L. Miller
Sometimes your best intentions fail to produce the effects you imagined at the outset. You’ll plan and anticipate, you’ll prepare and imagine. You carefully set the context, finding the right words and right actions to “enroll” everyone in the event or experience.
Then some loose branch in the tall tree outside your window is jogged free by the wind and, Crash! Your plans are knocked flat, gutted by the unexpected intrusion—of whatever variety “tree” flattens plans in your life.
I call this experience the “ripped bandage syndrome.” Just as you heal, as the wound scabs and the red tissue lightens to your skin tone, along comes someone or something to rip off the bandage, yanking the scab from your flesh, reopening the wound.
You are knocked off balance.
You regroup.
You scramble to find your footing, to take another chance to put forward your best self and your best efforts on behalf of your loved ones.
The cycle repeats. Bam, out of nowhere, the results don’t match your fantasy. You can’t figure out the puzzle—why what you want to have happen does not happen the way you want it to; why others trample your kindhearted energy. You can’t account for the moods, the attitudes, the behaviors, and the reactions that are off-key, undermining your sincerity and goodwill.
If this scenario recycles itself multiple times, you’ll find yourself spent—running out of energy for your own life.
It’s important to pay attention to what your life is telling you. The temptation is to keep adjusting your attitudes and actions to accommodate everyone else. But you have a vote and a say in how your life goes, too.
Discover how your energy is sapped. Triangle in outside feedback to help you evaluate what parts of the dynamic are yours (that you can change) and what parts are not (what needs to be confronted and changed, or, conversely, tolerated in new, healthier ways).
Weariness is not the same as exhaustion.
Exhaustion comes from a reasonable extension of self for the sake of a demanding task (childbirth, running 6 miles, finishing a semester of graduate school, entertaining out of town company in your home for a week, completing a set of physical therapies with your disabled child, returning from a two-week vacation to Italy).
Weariness is the experience of futility combined with defeat. We are weary when our efforts (particularly repeated efforts) seem pointless, or are ridiculed, or when they fail.
Pay good attention to weariness. Take it seriously. If you ignore it or go into a “martyr’s” posture, you may set yourself up for a dramatic exit (where you surprise yourself, even, and do what you would never have thought you’d do to escape). People do “snap” if they don’t recognize the symptoms of growing weariness.
I hope today you take time to journal or talk to a friend, or to consider the value of therapy or a support group. If your family dynamic repeatedly results in anger, stand-offs, cruelty, or flippancy, those dynamics do matter, and you deserve to have the tools available to you to help heal it.
Be good to you. ♥
Cross-posted on facebook.
