What would an alien from outer space (who just happens to be visiting your family) do on a rainy day?
New to freewriting? Check out our online guide.
Archive for July, 2020
“Let me jot that down.”
If you’ve hung around Brave Writer, you know the power of jotting down a spontaneous eruption of passionate speech—a story, an exposition of facts, how to do an activity, and so on—any time a child is stuck in writing—jot it down!
We jot down our kids’ lively speech to demonstrate the power of writing—what lives in them deserves to be preserved in writing and shared with an interested audience.
Did you know that you can also use “jotting down” to capture and validate a child’s
- thoughts,
- complaints,
- frustrations,
- and feelings?
Example: your daughter finds the math lesson really hard. She’s struggling to even explain why.
You can offer her support by saying:
“Let me jot that down for you.” Then write her exact thoughts and feelings. Read them back. “You said you get tired really fast and that your head hurts when you do math. Did I miss anything?What else shall I add?”
Once you’ve captured all she has to say, thank her. Let her know you’d like time to reflect on what she shared—to read it later. Take a break from the activity.
Return later that day or the next. You might ask her how she’s feeling today—did she get any insight since you wrote her feelings for her? You might offer a sincere comment like: “I didn’t realize how much your head hurt.”
You may be amazed. The act of writing a child’s complaint is often enough support to allow a child to have a new thought—the solution to her problem.
No matter what, jotting down a child’s real feelings and thoughts shows you take your child’s complaint or struggle seriously. This approach works for any situation or struggle: “I hate wearing shoes,” or “Going to co-op is stupid,” or “Lizzie never wants to play with me…”
What To Do
- Value the upset.
- Jot down the concern.
- Read it back.
- Reflect on it.
- Revisit the next day and see what solutions emerge.
This post is originally from Instagram and @juliebravewriter is my account there so come follow along for more conversations like this one!
Podcast: Marriage, Divorce, and Homeschooling
I have been asked the same question repeatedly over the past 10 years: How do I know if I should get a divorce? And this question has a friend: I am getting a divorce, so what do I do about my children?
These two questions presuppose a third question, a bigger question: What’s a healthy home life for children?
That’s what we’re going to address, including your marriage, reasons to divorce, reasons not to, and how to salvage or support homeschooling in the midst of all of those dynamics. Even if you’re in a happy relationship and you see no likelihood of divorce, this topic can give some insight into times where you are in conflict and how to be better friends to others in the community going through this.
Listen to the Podcast
Show Notes
The best relationships are sustained by mutual goodwill
Imagine a relationship with a friend where they continually ask for favors but never give you any support. Eventually, the asymmetry in that relationship will wear you down and you won’t want to spend as much time with them.
Imagine your children. We spend so much time trying to teach them what we know is best for them, even if they don’t like it. Coming to an approach that meets their need for being happy with your need to complete the subject is what goodwill means in that relationship.
Goodwill is the exchange of mutuality. When you create a dynamic of mutual exchange, there is a level of trust there. Even when compromises have to be made, you are aware that the other person has your best interest in mind. Which dynamic exists in your marriage?
When marriage is not founded on goodwill
You may have a spouse who’s proud of you for homeschooling or thinks that it’s a great idea. You thought you were on the same page, but when your partner starts asking you questions about your children’s education, it makes you feel criticized and untrusted. The reason you feel that way is because you have experienced a lack of trust in other areas of your marriage.
When you feel challenged by a decision you’ve made in homeschooling, you have to ask yourself: Is this a real question or is it just exertion of control?
In an unhealthy relationship where goodwill is not presumed on a regular basis, the argument of homeschooling just becomes one of many. When there is not trust, you cannot be confident that the questions being asked are with your best interest in mind. In a relationship where the dynamic is persistently dysfunctional, homeschooling is not a unique argument. When you embark on the discussion about homeschool, the same control dynamics you experience in other aspects of your marriage will be present—and it will not go well.
When do I consider divorce?
When you are in a marriage where goodwill is persistently denied—either in one direction or both—it’s incredibly difficult to stay married.
I am a huge fan of individual therapy for both married partners. Sometimes, certain types of abuse can cause couples therapy to lead to more problems at home. Find a therapist and build your personality and strength of self that doesn’t have anything to do with the marriage. Some marriages begin to survive and thrive as the “victim” becomes a stronger version of self.
If you are in a relationship without violence or abuse, having both parents in the home together with the children is the best possible outcome for them. If a non violent marriage can survive and the partners can grow in goodwill towards each other, staying in the home together is better for kids. If you cannot meet those criteria, there may be no other option than divorce.
How to make divorce better for kids
One obstacle to a good divorce outcome is if the socioeconomics of your family plummet. If your children can experience a similar socioeconomic lifestyle as when the parents were married, that is incredibly helpful to their wellbeing and stability. This economic transition can be difficult with divorce, so the next step is to make a place that feels like home for your kids—a place that feels like home to them. Make sure children have whatever they need at both locations so they don’t feel like they are living out of a suitcase.
You also have to consider how you want to continue educating your children. It is possible that homeschooling may not be the best option. You are now juggling several new factors, including where your income is coming from. If you aren’t already working, you will not be available in the ways you once were. Homeschooling is only the right decision if it allows everyone to flourish. If you’re in this situation, you likely think homeschooling is the best option for your kids, but don’t be afraid of school as an option too.
Human beings deserve lives of goodwill, of peace, and of wellbeing—every human, not just your kids, but you. It’s okay to want your life to feel good. Children don’t need martyrs for mothers. They need clarity, consistency, kindness, and a vision for their future. You can give them all those things, married or divorced. These are not easy decisions to make, but if the decision you make turns out not to be the one you wanted, you can make another one. There is no shortage of time to continue improving the quality of your own life.
Resources
- Read “Between Two Worlds”
- verbalabuse.com
- Financial planning: wife.org
- Want help getting started with Brave Writer? Head over to bravewriter.com/getting-started
- Sign up for the Brave Writer Newsletter to learn about all of the special offers we’re doing in 2020 + you’ll get a free 7-Day Writing Blitz guide just for signing up: http://go.bravewriter.com/writing-blitz
- Join the Brave Learner Home: bravewriter.com/special-offer
Connect
- Instagram: instagram.com/juliebravewriter
- Twitter: twitter.com/bravewriter
- Facebook: facebook.com/bravewriter
Homeschool Sanity: Principle Two
Principle Two
You get bored.
“Just because a curriculum is effective doesn’t mean you must keep using it. If you’re ‘sick to death’ of the reading program, find a new one for the next child. Years pile up—what you loved doing in year three may feel like overkill in year seven” (The Brave Learner, 203). In fact, boredom is a great sign that it’s time to mix it up.
How do you know when to quit or switch?
First: read the program text and teacher notes. Learn how to use the program; try it yourself first. It’s okay to use the middle of the day to get comfortable with the program before introducing it to your kids. Give a new program a full try from full understanding, first.
Then the next day, clear the decks and take a chance—implement with your kids. It’s okay to experiment, to adapt it to the child.
Give a program you were excited about a six week try.
If you’re still bored and find the program uninspiring, ditch it! No guilt. Chalk up the expense to research and development. It takes spending some money and a lot of experimentation to know what works best.
So no guilt: if you need to toss a curriculum, just because you find it tedious, you get to! You have one life. Don’t waste it on duty and drudgery. There are so many amazing reaources out there. Go find what works for you!
ETA: We lived on $29K w 7 people in southern CA and this was still my philosophy. Made me rely more on the public library, magazines (pre-Internet), co-ops with friends. The idea is: boredom = tedious experience of learning. Switch it up—however you can.
All 5 Principles
This post is originally from Instagram and @juliebravewriter is my account there so come follow along for more conversations like this one!
Friday Freewrite: Perfect Age
Imagine you must stay the same age for the rest of your life…but you get to pick what it is. What would be your “perfect age”? Explain your answer.
New to freewriting? Check out our online guide.
