A Brave Writer's Life in Brief

Below is an example of how a student in Kidswrite Basic and her mother work through the writing process from freewrite to finished writing piece. The student is ten-year-old Anna.

Anna’s original freewrite:
Ilona has creamy-blond hair and is very skinny. She likes to cach frogs and do doll hair dos and sometimes I think she is a little nutty. She also loves to ride horses and pretends to cry when I talk about her horse, Boo, who got sent to Maine. Her dog, Percy, gos all crazy if you say the word ‘walk.’ Ilona has 3 teenage sisters, Sasha, Casy and Lanea, and Sasha scared us on Ilona’s sleep-over ’cause we got up at 6:00 and went down stairs. Ilona got the wiped cream out and skwited some in her mouth.

The freewrite reveals several things that interest Anna. Notice how much it sounds like her. Notice that she has interesting details in the middle of that run-on structure. This is a wonderful freewrite, rich with possibilities for what we call “narrowing and expanding.” Revision is the process by which you narrow the ideas and then expand the writing. In class, I recommended a process of narrowing the focus to one idea in the freewrite. I then gave out specific questions the mother could ask the student to help her get a handle on how she wanted to redirect the raw writing into a story or narrative. After that feedback, Anna freewrote again—this time focusing on a sleep-over that she mentions in the initial freewrite. Here’s her new piece:

Three Girls at a Sleepover and a Very Big Dog That Sleeps on Beds
We snuck downstairs for a reason. Ilona said she was hungry and we wanted to catch and pet her cat named Lilo. We wouldn’t have any trouble with Percy because she was upstairs sleeping with Ilona’s parents.

Ilona went to the refrigerator and got out the whipped cream, then took the cap off and squirted some into her mouth. It sure was a lot of whipped cream. After that Ilona went to the basement door and turned the light on. We all went downstairs with a lot of giggles. Ilona kept shushing us because she thought we would wake Percy up or scare away Lilo.

We must have made too much noise because Ilona’s sister Sasha came down and found us. I really wish we had stopped giggling. But at least we didn’t wake Percy up.

Let’s take a look at the feedback I gave to Anna’s mom on this new freewrite drawn from inspiration from the original freewrite. My revision notes are in green.

Narrowing and Expanding:
Three Girls at a Sleepover and a Very Big Dog That Sleeps on Beds (Percy)

Cute dramatic title.

We snuck downstairs for a reason. Ilona said she was hungry and we wanted to catch and pet her cat named Lilo. We wouldn’t have any trouble with Percy because she was upstairs sleeping with Ilona’s parents.

Wow – Anna plunged me right into the action. I love that opening line. Totally hooks the reader. Well done. Who is Percy? She might want to add one line that lets me know she is at a sleep-over. Try to include it in the flow:

Ilona said she was hungry and the three of us spending the night wanted to catch and pet her cat named Lilo.

Something like that.

Ilona went to the refrigerator and got out the whipped cream, then took the cap off and squirted some into her mouth.

This is too good an image to let it go so quickly. Let’s develop it.

Ilona went to the refreigerator and….

(Now I direct myself to Anna) From here, make me wait for it a bit. Show me Ilona rummaging around or moving the mustard out of the way and then, dramatically pulling out the whipped cream. Then show me that she shakes it up, perhaps you or one of the girls wonders what she’s going to eat with it, when pop! goes the top and she bends her head back and squirts!

You might even talk about the quantity of whipped cream that is in her mouth (compare it to some other item) and even your thoughts: do you want some too? Did you want to pop her cheeks and make it squirt out?

Give me some reality and some of your fantasy.

It sure was a lot of whipped cream.

Did she share any whipped cream with you?

After that Ilona went to the basement door and turned the light on. We all went downstairs with a lot of giggles.

Why? What were you giggling about?

Ilona kept shushing us because she thought we would wake Percy up or scare away Lilo.

Is Percy the dog? Flesh this out a bit more. Where are Percy and Lilo? How did you get quietly from the kitchen back to the basement? Were there any close calls where you thought you heard parents waking or the dog moving about?

We must have made too much noise because Ilona�s sister Sasha came down and found us.

Aha! There it is! Don’t just tell me this. Show it to me with all your anxiety. What did you hear first? Creaking floors? Squeaking doors? The thud, thud of feet coming down the hall? Who were you afraid it might be?

Add all of those ideas to the story before the sister pops her head into the room.

I really wish we had stopped giggling. But at least we didn’t wake Percy up.

Why do you wish you had stopped giggling? What happened when the sister came downstairs? Anyone get in trouble? What did she say?

Following these revision notes, mom and daughter worked through the freewrite—narrowing the focus, expanding the ideas in writing. We went through three revisions. Then during the last week, they mopped up remaining spelling, grammar and punctuation errors (we always do these last). The finished piece is below. Enjoy!

Three Girls at a Sleepover and a Very Big Dog That Sleeps on Beds
By Anna (10)

We snuck downstairs for a reason. Ilona said she was hungry and we wanted to catch and pet her cat named Lilo. We wouldn’t have any trouble with Percy because she was upstairs sleeping with Ilona’s parents. Percy is a dog who is tall and skinny. She’s a greyhound and is almost as big as Mazy, the great dane.

Ilona went to the refrigerator. She opened the door and looked at the stinky butter. We couldn’t really see what she was doing but we could hear some thumps, though she was trying to be quiet. Then she got out the whipped cream. She shook the whipped cream so hard she bounced up and down. All of a sudden the cap flew off and fell on the floor. Her cat, Buggy Boy, strolled over and sniffed it. Ilona squirted some whipped cream into her mouth. It sure was a lot of whipped cream. She offered us some but the red-haired girl named Heather thought whipped cream was just gross without ice cream. I agreed. Ilona humphed and said that we were gross. Whipped cream was way better plain.

After that Ilona went to the basement door and turned the light on. We all went downstairs with a lot of giggles. Ilona kept shushing us because she thought we would wake up Percy or scare away Lilo. We were standing at the bottom of the staircase with our backs turned when someone tapped all three of us at the same time. We jumped three feet in the air! We thought it was Ilona’s Mom, but it was only Ilona’s sister, Sasha. She had on an old t-shirt with holes in it. She said, “Why’d you wake me up?” She didn’t look especially tired.

I really wish we had quit giggling. Sometimes Sasha can stop all the fun. But at least we didn’t wake Percy. Percy would have woken the parents by stepping on them when she got off the bed. We didn’t want them to wake up because we were having a good time and they would have sent us all back to sleep. It turned out to be a fun morning. We even got to pet Lilo!

Final thoughts: This is a realistic piece of writing for a 10-year-old after three revisions. It delights. It gives a window of insight into the mind-life and experiences of this specific girl. It has coherence and tells a story. It includes her vocabulary. And it also includes limits—areas of growth yet to be addressed. But the real joy of this piece of writing is that the process yielded work that is unique to her at this stage in her writing—writing that is both creative and adequately expressed as well as realistic. In short, it communicates.