Archive for the ‘Brave Writer Philosophy’ Category

The Non-Homeschooling Parent

Aka: How do I get my husband to accept my style of homeschooling?**

I went to a homeschool support group back in 2000 when I first moved to Ohio. Each of the parents introduced themselves. Most of the attendees were mothers, but occasionally a dad would be along for the meeting as well. To a parent, the mother would introduce herself as the homeschooler and the husband as the “principal” of their school. Then everyone would chuckle. They chuckled because they knew that in just about every case, the “principal” had a fulltime job and did very little in the way of home education! Yet here he was with the big title!

When they got to me, my husband was not present. I introduced myself as the home educator, curriculum developer and the  principal. Then I added, “My husband isn’t here, but he’s the janitor. His contribution to our homeschool is making sure everyone does their chores on Saturdays.”

Laughter. But it was true. I saw no reason to give him the supreme title just because he had facial hair.

You home educators take the lion’s share of the responsibility to homeschool your kids. You do it after hours of research and oodles of conversations, you do it because you’ve become convinced it’s the best thing for your family, and you do it the way you do it because of the philosophy of education you’ve evolved through all those hours of research and conversation.

Unless you have a spouse with similar dedication, the truth is: you’re the homeschooling expert in your family.

Being an expert doesn’t mean that you are without flaw or that you will get it right every time. Lord knows we all reinvent homeschool every single year. Still, even with the nuances changing year to year, you have a pretty good idea of what you mean by homeschooling and you want the freedom to do it according to your lights.

When a mom asks me how to “get her husband” to share her philosophy, what I think she’s really asking is: “What do I do about my husband’s worries that I’m not doing a good enough job?”

At one workshop, when asked that question, I answered: “This is a marriage issue, not a homeschooling one. I don’t know if your husband is crazy or a reasonable guy. I don’t know if he is hard on you in every area of your life or if he has legitimate concerns about your dedication to the homeschooling task. The question to ask yourself is: ‘Does my husband generally support me, trust me and help me? If I give him the information he wants, does he accept it?’”

The foundation of a happy homeschool has to be that both parents are equally supportive of this style of education. They don’t both have to be equally knowledgeable, they don’t both have to do the work of homeschool and I absolutely don’t see the need for a wife to “submit her lesson plans” to a husband each week for his approval.

What needs to happen is this. Raising the kids is a responsibility both parents share. When discussing home education, where the husband has little experience and spends almost no time researching, the conversation needs to shift from explaining home education to him and instead focus on two things:

  • Trust
  • Freedom

Just like you don’t constantly check to see if your husband is performing at his career in a way that makes you feel comfortable, your husband needs to trust you (that you are capable of home education, that he is confident in your skill set, that he knows you are reliable to do what you say you’ll do). Then he needs to allow you the freedom to live into that role, knowing that it will include set backs, mistakes, course changes and all the things that happen in any career.

Of course he’ll have questions and he should feel free to ask them. However, asking a sincere question is not the same as scrutinizing or judging or belittling or haranguing. You know if you have a husband who does the latter because those behaviors won’t be limited to homeschooling. If that is your husband, just know that you have a marriage issue (not a homeschooling one) and be sure to get help in addressing it. Any family that has the marital dynamic where the wife is repeatedly up against hostility and judgment is in crisis. Home education is the least of your concerns.

If you have the garden variety husband who simply shows some nerves about this unfamiliar style of education, start by talking to your husband about trust and freedom—that you value his trust and you need freedom to explore this version of education.

You can allay his fears in these three ways:

  1. First, suggest to him that he do some reading. Point him in the right directions (give him a book or send him some links to websites via email). Don’t nag him, don’t follow up. Just let him know that he can read what you’ve read and if he wants to discuss it, you’d be happy to! Don’t educate him. Let him educate himself. Don’t nag. If he chooses not to read, then you can gently let him know (after a month) that you’ll continue without his input (though you’d love his support!) since he doesn’t have the foundation to talk to you about home education.
  2. Second, introduce him to another homeschooling family. You might even plan a themed home education party where the dads are participants. A medieval feast or a picnic at a site where fossils can be found are possibilities. Get them involved in a weekend kind of way.
  3. Third, share what you do during the day with your husband in a free, enthusiastic way. Don’t report to him like he’s your boss. Simply make an effort to remember what happened that was exciting: Johnny identified a cardinal at the feeder today! Mary figured out how to dye cloth with a beet!

Once you have tried one or all three of these practices, see how your husband does. If he continues to express anxiety about home education, you have two options:

  1. Make it an issue in your marriage. If this is one of those hills you want to die on, then so be it. You may need a therapist to help you. Get to the bottom of his anxiety and your need to home educate so that you are honest about how important this issue is to you. Make sure you have a safe space to explore all the concerns you both have. If you ignore them or pretend them away, I promise they will come back in a big way down the line and your kids will know that their education is a source of tension in your marriage.

    That is not healthy!     Better to put the kids in school than that.

  2. Give up homeschooling. It is utterly critical that your family have a peaceful home to live in. That is more important than Charlotte Mason, tea parties, read alouds, field trips to art museums and Saxon math. If you and your husband can’t come to a place where you feel supported and trusted in your home education leadership, then homeschooling can’t work for your family.

I find it helpful if I think in terms of the bigger picture. To be happy at home means that all the members of the family feel they have an authentic say in their own happiness (how they discover what makes them happy, how they express that happiness, how they create it for themselves). That happiness is contingent on several core values:

  1. Trust
  2. Responsibility
  3. Freedom
  4. Participation

When any of these is missing in any of the relationships in the family (parent to child, child to parent, sibling to sibling, wife to husband, husband to wife), the entire family has a diminished sense of identity and contentment. Cultivating relationships that nurture an experience of happiness has to be a primary goal, even above education because there are lots of forms of education, but only one original family.

So when we talk about homeschooling, we have to be honest: it’s not possible to do it if both parents don’t support it. Wives can’t make husbands support homeschooling any more than a husband can require a wife to homeschool if she doesn’t want to invest the time and energy it takes to do it. Education of the children is a responsibility that both parents share, but how that responsibility is executed can be resolved in a variety of ways.

The bottom line is this: If your husband is not participating actively in the education of your children (and doesn’t invest the time to think about homeschooling or to develop his own philosophy of education), he should be willing to trust you to do that job and he ought to support you in doing it through encouragement, cooking dinner once in awhile, and bragging about how awesome you are for taking on this heroic of tasks.

If he is deeply uncomfortable with home education after doing his own research and is a genuinely decent guy in the other areas of your marriage, you may have to accept that for right now, home education is off the table. Ask to revisit it with him at a later date.

In all cases, get help if these issues between you and a spouse become significant enough that you are tense, stressed, and anxious. If you are fighting about homeschooling regularly, then you are creating a toxic home environment for your kids. That’s no way to live and kids spending 24/7 at home will pick it up (and it will be bad for them).

**I’m sorry to use the gender normative roles throughout. I realize there are homeschooling dads where the moms work outside the home and that there are domestic partnerships, not just husbands and wives. Thanks for letting me off the hook by focusing on the 99% that ask me these questions. Philosophically, these answers can be applied to any pairing raising kids!

Posted in Brave Writer Philosophy, General, Husbands (homeschooling partners) | 11 Comments »

Happy Mother’s Day: On Being a Mother

On Being a Mother

Years ago, Oprah featured an episode on mothering that ran so counter to my personal experience, I felt the need to write about how I understood mothering. As we celebrate our mothers and are thankful for the chance to be mothers, I share it again with you.

Oprah featured moms on her show. The two “experts” who “wrote the book” were bubbly, sharp, blond business-type women who wore chic outfits that had never seen spit up or spaghetti sauce stains. They rallied the audience into a frenzy of confessions about motherhood which variously decried the hardships of this “first order of creation” occupations.

“I hate the fluids of babies: pee, spit up, spilt milk, snot.”

“I cried the day I drove to the car dealership to buy a mini-van.”

“There were days I wanted to ’send them back to the hell from whence they came’.”

On and on the tales of woe pored from the mouths of devoted parents. Video clips of small kids on bikes, disastrous laundry rooms, “stuffed to the gills” cars with seats and sippy cups floated by, making one wonder why anyone would sign up for the task of mothering, let alone sustain it for decades. Moms confessed things, too, like the one who said she didn’t want to wake the sleeping baby by stopping the car for a potty break, but she needed to pee so badly, she took a Pampers diaper, stuck it between her legs and let it “go” as she drove. Yeah, I thought that was way more information than I needed to know about her, too.

There was a surprising lack of joy represented in the discussion of mothering. Mostly being a mom was held up as the hardest job on earth, the most demanding, the most self-sacrificing, the most misunderstood and overlooked work on the planet. A kind of shared martyrdom, underdog status united everyone and Oprah, never having mothered anyone, had to declare that indeed, they were right. Mothering equalled sainthood (which we all know implies burning at the stake and smiling through it!).

With my kids in the room, listening to the pain of childbirth and engorged breasts, the relentlessness of little voices, the demandingness of the small child’s need for food, sleep and comfort, the annihilation of a woman’s identity and sense of self, I couldn’t take it any more.

After all, far from being the hardest job in the world, mothering has been

  • the happiest,
  • most satisfying,
  • life-giving,
  • joyful,
  • rewarding,
  • fulfilling,
  • and (dare I admit it?) easiest job I’ve ever had.

Oh sure, the hours suck, there are anguishes deeper than the ocean, there are seasons (years!) of such utter exhaustion you can’t imagine ever being rested again… but all those discomforts are easily and unequivocally overturned by my children, themselves.

I punched pause on the DVR to set the record straight:

“Being your mother has been the single greatest joy and privilege of my life: not a burden, not a perennial unrelenting source of emotional and physical agony, not the ‘hardest job in the world’, not the knee-capping blow to my ‘adult individuality’ nor has it been the thankless, under-appreciated, most overlooked profession these mothers would have you believe. In fact, my sense of personhood, identity and self-knowledge has grown more through mothering than any business I’ve started, any degree I’ve earned, any relationship I’ve pursued. I thank YOU for being the best people to ever happen to me.”

Then I spewed in bullet style the privileges and unique joys that came with mothering them (all five of them, each one popping into my life like a fresh daisy, every two years for 10 years).

Cuddling

Being your mom means I got to have someone to cuddle non-stop for 12 years while sleeping with at least one of you at a time, nursing you, carrying you, holding you, helping you in and out of car seats, and backpacking you.

Sleeping

There is nothing more divine than a baby who falls asleep on your chest while you fall asleep and the whole world stops while mother and tiny child become fused as one content, quiet, shared being. No meditation, yoga, prayer circle, private retreat has ever come close to providing me with the depth of peace, pleasure and abiding hope that sleeping with a baby has given me.

Playing

Board games and hopscotch, dress-ups, face paint, finger paint, walks in the woods, trips to the zoo, picking up bugs, rolling down hills, blowing bubbles, eating too many cookies, watching Arthur on PBS, rewatching Disney movies, cards, chasing a dog in the backyard, trampoline jumping, creek splashing, snowman building, skiing, middle of the night slumber parties, bike rides, soccer in the backyard, soccer on the official fields, ultimate frisbee… What adult gets to do any of this on his or her 9-5 job? Talk about luxury!

Conversing

Oh it starts off good – Why do bubbles float? How did I get red hair? Why doesn’t Santa Claus visit Moroccans, too? But boy does it keep getting better!? I’ve learned about human rights, veganism, Role Playing Games, Shakespeare, Klingon, fashion, exercise, lacrosse, birds, fantasy novels, conspiracy theories, atheism, feminism, linguistics, alternative monetary systems for world peace (seriously!) and more by talking to my kids.

Mothering is the job that means taking the dog and kids for a walk in the woods is on task. It’s the one where teatimes and picnics are considered achievements worth trumpeting to friends and family. It’s the job where even on bad days, someone tells you “Hey, I love you Mom” and then hugs you so tightly, you believe it.

There is no comparison to the jobs I’ve had in business and writing. Sure, affirmation and personal achievement are nice… but they are nothing like the bond that comes from the devotion of loving people who live every day looking for you to see them for who they are. I’ve found that the easiest thing in the world is to love my kids. All it takes is entering into their lives on their terms and giving all I’ve got. I get it all back and more.

Yes, there have been nights where I cried myself to sleep over a non-stop crying toddler or a teenager’s emotional pain. There are times when I feel out of control and invisible and fearful for my child’s future or welfare. But the rewards of mothering so far outweigh any of its challenges, I can’t relate to the repeated refrains of “how hard I have it” simply because I chose to have five kids. Instead, I just feel perennially lucky that my lifestyle has included such richness, tenderness and connection to immortality through my children.

I think it’s time we blew the whistle.

Mothering isn’t a job. It’s a privilege.

Follow-Up Thoughts

Brave Learner Home

Posted in Brave Writer Philosophy, Homeschool Advice, On Being a Mother | 14 Comments »

Collection of Happy Thoughts

I know, I know. Why has this blog been so dormant over the last year? Truth be told, in addition to some personal challenges, Brave Writer has been growing! My time and attention had to be turned to other pressing concerns, such as curriculum development (more on that soon, I promise!), website building, improving our online classroom, preparing for and traveling to three conventions in a month, speaking in various parts of the country for workshops, teaching classes myself and all the usual stuff that a kitchen-table-growing-like-gangbusters-into-a-grown-up-business experiences in year 11.

We are improving contact between you and me, and between you and, well, you, too! Here are a couple of ways we are making headway:

  • You can now chat with me via a live chat widget when you visit the website! This live chat function will be open when I’m online. I look fwd to being able to serve you all better, particularly our overseas customers who find the phone a difficult means of communication with me.
  • We are releasing a brand new discussion/message board for the Brave Writer community so that you have a place to talk about the Brave Writer Lifestyle. You can use it to get feedback from other moms and dads who are in the trenches helping their kids, just like you! I’ll pop in to answer questions as well.
  • We’ve just created a twitter identity as well as a facebook page to make it easier for me to send out short snippets of insight and writing support, rather than having to commit to an entire blog post every day. My hope is to update the blog once per week while using the other tools for daily support.
  • We’ve enabled podcasting for Brave Writer as well. Look for my convention workshops to be posted some time next week.

These are all ways I hope to enrich your experience of Brave Writer over the coming months.

In the meantime, listen to these happy thoughts shared by our fabulous families!

Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your seminars. I’ve been homeschooling 22 years, and writing has been one of those things I’ve felt like I never did a good job teaching, because we never seemed to get around to doing any of the “curriculums” I purchased. The kids did write–they wrote what they wanted to write, or type, when they wanted to, so I knew they could write, sort of, but I always felt like I should be doing more. Your seminars reminded me that writing can be just as relaxed and part of our real lives as reading good books. Your ideas about the way to help children write are so much more in line w/ my way of homeschooling, than any of the canned programs I have, that I just felt a giant sigh of relief while listening to you. Thank-you. I feel like your seminars were worth the cost of the conference all by themselves. I purchased the Writing Jungle and read the first chapter that evening in my motel room and enjoyed it so much. I’m looking forward to making writing a part of our lives in a more relaxed and natural way.

Dawn

—

Hi Julie!
I met you yesterday at your booth. My son, Luke, is currently in Jean Hall’s expository essay class and enjoying it immensely.

Here’s a little background about Luke (14) and my daughter, Kallan (12). We have been using another program for several years . We struggled quite a bit to get writing done. OK, we struggled a LOT. I believe the things the kids learned do a good job of helping them when they are editing, but the actual act of putting the pencil on the paper and writing something wasn’t happening. I was becoming very worried that my 8th grade son was not going to be ready for high school writing. I was also worried about my 12 year old dyslexic daughter who would not write, because she is self-conscious about her spelling.

I finally bought “The Writer’s Jungle” and proceeded to carry it and a highlighter around for several months. At the beginning of February, we curled up in front of our wood stove in Colorado and I read several of your descriptions of other attempts at freewriting. We discussed how it felt when we sat in front of a piece of paper. It was almost as if a wall would appear and absolutely no words would appear. Even I would have a problem and I love to write. After several years of the other program, I would even freeze. I set the timer for ten minutes and my daughter decided she would write about her new (and first) American Doll, I decided to write about airports (love them) and my son said he would just “write what comes into his head”.

Here is what came out of my gangly 6’1”, 14 year old who is constantly walking around with his nose in a book. I no longer worry about his creativity.

THE BLANK PAGE SYNDROME (Luke Brumfield)
The page is as white as a dove, the plumage snowy white, the subtle wind currents lifting it above the clouds. Perhaps, it is like snow, the glistening water dripping like a faucet, or perhaps like a cloud floating below the stars. The incandescent stars and fluffy clouds matching together in a dance eons old. This is how I think of Blank Page Syndrome. The white abyss of a writer’s block, the paralyzing fear buffeting his brain. The fear of failing making him cry out in frustration. Needless to say, right now this writer has no qualms about such matters for his pencil is light, his mind active, his resolve solid. Blank Page Syndrome is like the Niagara Falls icing over. It’s luster gone, replaced with a blank wall of impenetrable ice. The reader may or may not have experienced this syndrome, but the writer has. This essay has been written in ten minutes and the writer is done. Now there is no more blank page.

This has not been revised other than a couple of periods, one misspelled word, and some capitalization. THANK YOU! They both see for the first time that writing can be fun!

Leslie

—

Hey Julie,
I wanted to share something with you. My daughter and I attended the Cincy. convention this past weekend. We were coming from north of Dayton on Friday morning and were planning to attend two separate workshops at 10:30 – I thought! The workshops actually started at 10:00, not 10:30 and we encountered Cincinnati, morning traffic (we’re not used to that out in our boondocks area). So we arrived late. Once inside the convention center we sat down and tried to figure out our plan B for the day. I was planning on coming to your booth at some point. We’ve been using “Brave Writer Jungle” for about a year and a half, but I was feeling a lack of confidence in my ability to go forward.

Well, anyway, we both ended up coming to your workshop – and all I can say is “God was takin care of me that day!” You said exactly what we needed to hear – thank-you for being you. We came to your booth and one of the gals spent quite some time with me. We’re going to start using the Boomerang next year, but have already started to use some of the concepts in our school stuff this week.

I went back and read a blog that you had posted last year in January – I kept it in my emails because, again, it was what I needed to hear, and obviously what I needed to reread now. It was about homeschooling through grief. The last 5 years have been hard years for me – a lot of really sad stuff and some really great life moments. We’ve done: illness, graduation, college, death, marriage, a lot of change and a lot of emotion. Your blog helped me to realize that our family is still trying to get our gears re-machined, and forcing the issue can sometimes end up with a lot of overheating and smoke.

I just wanted to thank-you for doing what you do, to thank the people that help you do what you do, and to encourage you – you do make a difference.

Have a grand spring day!
Warmly,
Robin

—

These last two years have been intense ones for me personally and in the business. I’m grateful whenever I hear from you—sharing how your families are learning to write and love each other every day. Makes all of it worthwhile. You’re all doing brave, meaningful work. Brava to you and your dear families!

Julie

Posted in Brave Writer Philosophy, Contacting Me, Homeschool Advice, The Writer's Jungle | 5 Comments »