Image by U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Nashville District
Write about a time when you won or lost.
New to freewriting? Check out our online guide.
Image by U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Nashville District
Write about a time when you won or lost.
New to freewriting? Check out our online guide.
Posted in Friday Freewrite | Comments Off on Friday Freewrite: Competition!
Image © Nagy-bagoly Ilona | Dreamstime.com
I talk to so many parents every day. The other day a delightful dad shared about his truly brilliant daughter who is taking the ACT and SAT tests right now. He wants her score to improve on the essay portion. (She’s already got a good score, actually.) So that’s when I know. I know there’s pressure in that family for this kid to do exceptionally well, not just really well.
We had a wonderful conversation and I gave him all kinds of advice about how to help her in her specific case. (She sounds like such a smartie!)
Right at the end, though, a thought occurred to me. Here’s what I told him:
“As you work with your daughter on these ideas, do them at Barnes and Noble or over ice cream. Get a latte, bring your laptop, sit close to your daughter and enjoy the time you have together. Begin by telling her how amazing she is, how proud of her you already are, and let her know that if her score doesn’t go up even a point, or if she draws a blank or regresses, you are perfectly okay with that—that she’s already proven herself to you and her mom and you are thrilled with who she is becoming. Make sure she knows that the pressure is off—that she’s already done enough, and that this additional test is just one more try. No one can write well when they feel pressure to perform. They need to be relaxed.”
I hadn’t expected the reply that came through the phone. This dad suddenly became animated:
“Have you been a fly on the wall of our house?” He chuckled but with a wince of pain behind it.
“Our daughter is having GI issues; has had to go to the doctor to have treatments all this year. She has had to leave the SAT test twice to throw up. I hadn’t considered that I might be part of the problem, pushing her too hard. But I think you must be right that I am putting pressure on her. And you are right, too, that she has already done a good job. I will take what you said to heart. I don’t want to make things worse for her.”
We continued to talk for a bit about the role of pressure, the colleges he hopes she’ll attend (she’ll have no trouble getting in the ones he shared with me based on the scores she’s already got!), and his dreams for her. I know that some families put a lot of weight on scores, independent of what they achieve.
It occurred to me that it might be a good idea to put this out there to all of you: a score is just a measure on that day of your child’s work in that context. It’s not a verdict on whether or not your child is smart, worthy, or even educated. It can point to a few things (it is an indicator). But it isn’t a measure of who your child is or whether or not you should be overly proud or ashamed.
So lighten up. This child of yours is an independent being from you. This is his or her life. You get to cheerlead, support, and guide, but you can’t make your child perform. That’s up to the individual.
Go get Cokes, take the pressure off, provide support and help, see what happens. You might be surprised.
Cross-posted on facebook.
Posted in College, Homeschool Advice, Husbands (homeschooling partners) | Comments Off on Lighten up a bit
Posted this on facebook today:
I hope you, homeschooling parent, are reading something yummy and wonderful just for you. Find a time during the day to get through a page or two on your Kindle or in your hand (paperback or hardback – doesn’t matter!).
Read for pleasure, read for self care, read for information, read for thought-provocation, read for the sheer expansiveness of the experience.
If you don’t have time to read, set the timer during your youngest children’s naps and spend ten minutes reading. Older kids can read at the same time. Get off the computer so you are reading something *whole*–something complete and lengthy that delves and dives and works its magic. Let yourself become immersed and discover new worlds of vocabulary and insight.
You will be better for it, so will your homeschool.
And now the fun part!
Whatcha readin’? Post it below (or add to the facebook discussion), with author, and a single sentence description so we may be enticed to look it up!
Posted in Reading | 2 Comments »
I’ve spent time reading around the Internet, thinking about the various versions of home education (from classical to unschooling to Charlotte Mason to text books). When I began with my kids in 1992, the Internet had not yet emerged. We were limited to books and small group meetings. I remember watching a film series about Konos with my buddies. Sold! We didn’t do any more research. We simply embarked, together, into some of my best homeschool memories (dress up clothes, facepaints, great foods, ear canal diagrams made with cookie sheets and hoses).
Today, it’s bewildering to sort through the maze of what constitutes right living, right parenting, right home education, right politics, right curriculum choices.
The biggest hurdle, for me, was to let go of my idealism (characteristic of the 30s!) and pay attention to my family. I did, at some crucial moments in my journey, fall prey to the temptation to take someone else’s rubric for their home education lifestyle as a rulebook for mine.
Painful lessons ensued.
When you use someone else’s hard-won wisdom as a template for your life, you’re in danger of subverting your own evolving wisdom for your family. It’s okay to “try” suggestions and see how they work out. That’s necessary for growth. It’s good to try a practice, see how it goes, and then say honestly: “Well that didn’t work the way I thought it would” or “Maybe it takes a different tone of voice or family culture, but this isn’t working for me and I don’t want to keep trying.”
It’s another thing to bend the results or wish away your anxiety. It’s not honest to pay more attention to how others will evaluate how you live than how what you are doing is impacting your children. It’s not okay for you emotionally to pretend a practice is effective, when you know in your heart it isn’t working the way you believed it would.
If you find yourself hiding the results of your choices in order to “fit in” with a group of home educators, you’ve begun the slow descent into homeschooling hell. It’s a cave of dripping condescension and you wonder why “this stuff” works for everyone but you.
If you are more worried about whether you are following the plan than creating peace in your home, you will not have peace in your home.
If your spouse is not “on board” with the decisions you make during the day, when that partner comes home at night, the children will know that there are two different kinds of “family” in their house, and they have to adapt to both, affirming each one, silently. This is crazy-making.
If you know the leaders or moderators of a group, and you’re afraid to say the truth about your experience in their presence, it’s not a healthy environment for exploration and discovery.
It’s good to remember that lots of families have happy memories, enjoy dinner together, exchange inside jokes, and find ways to educate their young.
It’s good to remember that you have options. You are not a failure if you change your plan or philosophy because of new information or due to that parental niggling doubt about some practice that just doesn’t sit right with you, no matter how many other people tell you it is the KEY to happiness and wellbeing.
It’s good to remember that you can’t know it all at age 30 or 40 (or 50!). But you especially can’t know it before you know it through lived experience. You are experimenting until your last child turns 18. Truly.
Not only that, but life has a way of upsetting the apple cart of your most prized philosophies. Stay flexible and attentive.
This journey of parenting (because education is merely a subset of that experience) is not for the weak. It takes a certain strength to choose to guide the next generation (our young) into responsible adulthood. No wonder we are terrified of getting it wrong!
One of the reasons I enjoyed homeschooling so much (even though there were a couple of years where I hung in by my fingernails) is that I discovered as I went, that I was creating my own patchwork quilt of home education for my family. Like an heirloom quilt, really. It would look like us, it would reflect our personalities, it would accommodate our weaknesses, and champion our strengths.
I share stuff in Brave Writer that my family tried and liked, that worked well for us. I happen to like some intentionality around learning, and I like planned experiences. I discovered during my “unschooling” experiment that even as relaxed and loosey goosey as I can sometimes be, we all functioned with more alacrity when we followed a bare minimum routine—some predictable practices that were like comforting friends we returned to each day. I learned that home could be homey while also creating room for academics (yes, that word – not just a lifestyle of learning – which I love, but also the preparation for rhetorical thinking and college academics that I value and enjoy so much).
I don’t think there’s a utopia for parenting and education, though there are principles that help me be empathetic, kind, attentive, and disciplined. I learn every day from Brave Writer parents who call me—the literal dozens and dozens of ways you each tweak your home environments and academic goals to suit your family’s tastes, to make learning a lifestyle and an academic challenge.
All I wanted to say in this post is: Keep going. Tell the truth. Make changes. Trust yourself.
Cross-posted on facebook.
Image © Marijus Auruskevicius | Dreamstime.com
Posted in Homeschool Advice | 2 Comments »
The most recent Homeschool Carnival at Homeschool Atheist Momma Blog highlights my post, “When your child writes hurtful words.”
Other articles discuss the use of lapbooks in homeschooling, interest-led learning with a “Charlotte Mason flair,” and educating gifted children. Plus there’s a Jack-o-lantern themed post.
If you’re a homeschool blogger and would like to participate in future Carnivals go here.
Posted in Homeschool Advice | Comments Off on Homeschool Carnival at Atheist Momma Blog
I’m a homeschooling alum -17 years, five kids. Now I run Brave Writer, the online writing and language arts program for families. More >>
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