On Being a Mother
Oprah featured moms on her show a couple weeks ago. The two “experts” who “wrote the book” were bubbly, sharp, blond business-type women who wore chic outfits that had never seen spit up or spaghetti sauce stains. They rallied the audience into a frenzy of confessions about motherhood which variously decried the hardships of this “first order of creation” occupations.
“I hate the fluids of babies: pee, spit up, spilt milk, snot.”
“I cried the day I drove to the car dealership to buy a mini-van.”
“There were days I wanted to ‘send them back to the hell from whence they came’.”
On and on the tales of woe pored from the mouths of devoted parents. Video clips of small kids on bikes, disastrous laundry rooms, “stuffed to the gills” cars with seats and sippy cups floated by, making one wonder why anyone would sign up for the task of mothering, let alone sustain it for decades. Moms confessed things, too, like the one who said she didn’t want to wake the sleeping baby by stopping the car for a potty break, but she needed to pee so badly, she took a Pampers diaper, stuck it between her legs and let it “go” as she drove. Yeah, I thought that was way more information than I needed to know about her, too.
There was a surprising lack of joy represented in the discussion of mothering. Mostly being a mom was held up as the hardest job on earth, the most demanding, the most self-sacrificing, the most misunderstood and overlooked work on the planet. A kind of shared martyrdom, underdog status united everyone and Oprah, never having mothered anyone, had to declare that indeed, they were right. Mothering equalled sainthood (which we all know implies burning at the stake and smiling through it!).
With my kids in the room, listening to the pain of childbirth and engorged breasts, the relentlessness of little voices, the demandingness of the small child’s need for food, sleep and comfort, the annihilation of a woman’s identity and sense of self, I couldn’t take it any more. After all, far from being the hardest job in the world, mothering has been the happiest, most satisfying, life-giving, joyful, rewarding, fulfilling and (dare I admit it?) easiest job I’ve ever had. Oh sure, the hours suck, there are anguishes deeper than the ocean, there are seasons (years!) of such utter exhaustion you can’t imagine ever being rested again… but all those discomforts are easily and unequivocally overturned by my children, themselves.
I punched pause on the DVR to set the record straight:
“Being your mother has been the single greatest joy and privilege of my life: not a burden, not a perennial unrelenting source of emotional and physical agony, not the ‘hardest job in the world’, not the knee-capping blow to my ‘adult individuality’ nor has it been the thankless, under-appreciated, most overlooked profession these mothers would have you believe. In fact, my sense of personhood, identity and self-knowledge have grown more through mothering than any business I’ve started, any degree I’ve earned, any relationship I’ve pursued. I thank YOU for being the best people to ever happen to me.”
Then I spewed in bullet style the privileges and unique joys that came with mothering them (all five of them, each one popping into my life like a fresh daisy, every two years for 10 years).
Cuddling: Being your mom means I got to have someone to cuddle non-stop for 12 years while sleeping with at least one of you at a time, nursing you, carrying you, holding you, helping you in and out of car seats, backpacking you.
Sleeping together: There is nothing more divine than a baby who falls asleep on your chest while you fall asleep and the whole world stops while mother and tiny child become fused as one content, quiet, shared being. No meditation, yoga, prayer circle, private retreat has ever come close to providing me with the depth of peace, pleasure and abiding hope that sleeping with a baby has given me.
Playing: Board games and hopscotch, dress-ups, face paint, finger paint, walks in the woods, trips to the zoo, picking up bugs, rolling down hills, blowing bubbles, eating too many cookies, watching Arthur on PBS, rewatching Disney movies, cards, chasing a dog in the backyard, trampoline jumping, creek splashing, snowman building, skiing, middle of the night slumber parties, bike rides, soccer in the backyard, soccer on the official fields, ultimate frisbee… What adult gets to do any of this on his or her 9-5 job? Talk about luxury!
Conversation: Oh it starts off good – why do bubbles float? How did I get red hair? Why doesn’t Santa Claus visit Moroccans, too? But boy does it keep getting better! I’ve learned about human rights, veganism, Role Playing Games, Shakespeare, Klingon, fashion, exercise, lacrosse, birds, fantasy novels, conspiracy theories, atheism, feminism, linguistics, alternative monetary systems for world peace (serious!) and more by talking to my kids.
Mothering is the job that means taking the dog and kids for a walk in the woods is on task. It’s the one where teatimes and picnics are considered achievements worth trumpeting to friends and family. It’s the job where even on bad days, someone tells you “Hey, I love you Mom” and then hugs you so tightly, you believe it.
There is no comparison to the jobs I’ve had in business and writing. Sure, affirmation and personal achievement are nice… but they are nothing like the bond that comes from the devotion of loving people who live every day looking for you to see them for who they are. I’ve found that the easiest thing in the world is to love my kids. All it takes is entering into their lives on their terms and giving all I’ve got. I get it all back and more.
Yes, there have been nights where I cried myself to sleep over a non-stop crying toddler or a teenager’s emotional pain. There are times when I feel out of control and invisible and fearful for my child’s future or welfare. But the rewards of mothering so far outweigh any of its challenges, I can’t relate to the repeated refrains of “how hard I have it” simply because I chose to have five kids. Instead, I just feel perennially lucky that my lifestyle has included such richness, tenderness and connection to immortality through my children.
I think it’s time we blew the whistle. Mothering isn’t a job. It’s a privilege.
Yes, thank you! We are encompassed by main stream media promoted selfishness. I’ve discontinued usage and this is only one reason why. I want to hear other rooted Christian moms embrace and appreciate the challenges and sacrifices of being a mom. Mothering helps to humble my pride and encourages my growth towards God. WHAT A BLESSING! Because of my kids and the more challenges they send my way, I need to die to self and embrace God and Jesus’ strength ever so more.
…but society says everything supposed to be easy 
The best part of being a mom for me is seeing their love of God and them being able to express that through prayers, singing praises, interest in church/bible/saints and their loving embrace!!
True heroes are not those most versed to match societal mainstream ideals but those that step out of mainstream and touch you and me by communicating values and love!! Thank you moms for your stance and loving embrace of motherhood! No one said it was supposed to be easy (because obviously it’s not
Blessed Mother, help us to embrace our calling as you oh so did and witness to others the love for the blessings we’ve been entrusted.
Thank you and happy mother’s day to all!
Thanks Mandy for your passion, but just wanted to clarify that this site is not specifically Christian and we welcome all mothers of all lifestyles and faiths.
Wow again! I totally expected to be shot down, but you guys have treated me with grace and understanding. I didn’t see the Oprah show you referenced (when do you have time to watch Oprah?
And I live in a community that seems, at least from the outside, to have it together. I don’t (obviously) I just picked up Parenting with Love and Logic today. Maybe it will help.
Good for you Weary. It does no good to shoot down people who are hurting. Better to pour a glass of wine and suggest bad reality TV.
I have a new post tomorrow that might be helpful to you too. Keep reaching out. Things get easier over time, too, usually.
Beautifully put. My girls are going to read this blog before the week is over. They have seen my fits of frustration, and they have seen my overwhelming gratitude of getting to be their mom. I want them to know this viewpoint is not exclusive to their mom, so when they are (hopefully) in my situation, they will know they are not alone.
Looking forward to your new post. I am always looking for inspiration from those who have “been there”.
Thanks for this post Julie, a stunning rebuttal of the anti-woman, anti-child attitudes that surround us. Motherhood is difficult sometimes, but there are many joys.
If I was not a mother, I would not be rushing to the basement to check on our week-old chicks as they settle down to sleep for the night. They are there because my very patient daughter has asked for chickens every spring for the past 8 years and this year we said “yes”. I thank her and tell her I would not have experienced this without her.
If I were not a mother I would not have had a poetry writing session at noon today with two twelve year olds, laughing and pawing through our magnetic poetry words and coming up with lines like “I am chocolate milk-less” and “I worship a goddess in a gorgeous sky blue gown, a lazy puppy sleeping in her shadow.”
I would not have slowed down enough to hour long walks up one block with a three year old stopping to peer at every ant-hill, tree root, and sparkly rock.
Thanks again. I am tired, there is a long ‘To do’ list running through my head, but once again you have reaffirmed that we are doing the right thing here, that being there to nurture our children is the most important job on earth.
Anne T.
Portland OR
Yes! We have been entrusted with the care of actual human beings- unique and beautiful works of art. They are amazing, and we get to discover their wonders! We can participate in shaping their character and teaching them to love.
The best part of the deal is if we keep our eyes off ourselves, we can see them. We can appreciate whoever God made them to be. It IS glorious to take time out for a game of monkey-in-the-middle, or chalk drawing, bug catching or bike riding. If we can see the richness of these moments, not only will these moments not be stolen from us, the future in them is built.
My husband and I were just at my neice Isabelle’s 5th birthday party. She is a shiny little star, all bright and full of funny verbal surprises. What a blessing! My husband and I had huge fun with about 8 kids playing monkey-in-the middle with maybe 10 balls in the gym. I was saddened that the adults just seemed to want to make a speedy exit. They missed out.
I know life hurts. We’ve been through brain surgery, a devastating fire, a swindling contractor, chronic illness of two of our kids and myself. My husband is an automotive engineer, so we have that stress. It hurts and I am truly tired, and again sick. In fact, my eldest daughter ended up missing her Bravewriter class because I couldn’t keep on her tail about it on top of her other work. But she’s ok, and we may try again. But I’ve been down the martyrdom road, and Jesus did it best. I know I can never know the pain or struggles of another woman. And I do not deny their immensity.
Why let anything that we don’t have to lose get stolen from us- especially the joy and priviledge of raising kids made in the very image of the Creator. As my husband said “They are our treasures!”
Laura Scharfenkamp
More fodder for the agenda of breaking down the only strong fabric of society where the moral compass is developed, experienced and shared: The Family – especially one anchored to the Rock of Ages.
Yet God has designed us – even those who choose to deny Him and His purposes – to know Him better through the gift of marriage and children.
May we all continue to pursue His plan as we fulfill our God given purpose of mothering our special gifts, our children, so that they in turn will continue to serve Him in their own families.
Can Motherhood not be both: the hardest job AND a privilege?
Why the need to polarize the two?
I did find Mother very challenging at first and at the same time
the deepest joy I thought possible.
Writing though, did save my nut
so much so
I wrote the book
Motherhood As A Spiritual Practice
Have enjoyed your Bravewriter’s
been on your list for years[?] now
My daughter loves reading and writing
Bibliophile like her parents
my first comment here
thanks for your work
patti
A friend sent me to this fabulous entry on your fabulous blog. Thank you SO much for putting into words what many of us Moms are thinking but don’t always take the time to share.
I’ve come to the conclusion after being in “charge” of Boy Scouts, PTA and band booster fundraisers, Little League, Little Dribblers, etc., that some people (including Moms) actually enjoy complaining. But if one continuously complains about the blessings in life, she soon can’t recognize joy if it slaps her in the face.
Joyful Moms of the world, unite!
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!!!
Has anyone sent this to Oprah?
I sent a link to her email address at the suggestion of a friend. But feel free to submit again.
This is the reason I do not watch Oprah anymore…she has her own agenda. Althought she complains of celebrity worship in our society, she continues to host celebrities as people to look emulate.
However, Oprah does much good in our world – I just feel there are other ways to get information and entertainment.
I am so glad to read this. I watched that Oprah just two days ago and I was also disturbed by it. I am in the throes of hard motherhood with 4 children under 6, so I related very much to the exhaustion and the frustrations. As I speak there is something incredibly sticky on my tab key – I know not what. But there was no discussion on the show about the JOYS of motherhood.
I think the greatest thing about motherhood, in a global sense, is how I have grown. Being a mother reveals my sin to me on a constant basis. I am made fully aware of my selfishness daily. I am forced to die to myself in a thousand ways. And because I WANT to be less selfish, I consider this a gift, not a curse.
Sometimes I do get whiny about it – surely just as whiny as the women on Oprah. But all it takes is one snotty kiss from a 2 year old or hearing one of my children exclaim “Mommy, you’re the BEST and I’ll never stop loving you” to remind me why I am the most blessed woman on earth.
Being a mother is the most blessed thing I could EVER attain. Thank you for your thoughtful description of the “hardest job you’ll ever love.” I am a homeschooler and mother to 7 children (and 4 others with Jesus). I just graduated my oldest from high school yesterday! There are MANY long nights rocking babies and listening to the woes of teens, but it is SO worth it. At almost 41, I feel blessed to be holding babies, wiping noses, preparing meals, patching boo boos, cheering on my baseball players, driving teens, and having coffee with my young adults. Psalm 127 says children are a heritage from the Lord. They sure are that!!
Amen!
It’s nice to know that I am one of many women who have not lost the focus of family life. Yes, this job of mothering does not bring public recognition, but how long does that last anyway? Now, that I am past the sleeping baby, tea party stages and into the university preparation stage, I will say that not one moment of the time I spent with my children was wasted. I am blessed with intelligent, interesting young adults, with whom it is fun exciting and interesting to spend time with. Yes, I miss the quiet times, but now we share books, music, vacations and (and for this I thank the Lord daily) they really want their parents to be part of their lives. Keep at it through the tough times, they don’t end they are part of every stage of life. The good things just breed more good things that keep getting better.
recently my thirty one year old son said to me, “you always seem to know the exact right thing to say to me , to make it all clearer.”my thirty six year old daughter calls me at work,to leave the message, “wanted to tell you i love you .”and we see each other daily , in person , as we share our house.i am grateful for all the things granted to me , and i am grateful for the continuing job of mothering.
[...] honor of Mothers Day, here is a beautiful post on motherhood. “Being your mother has been the single greatest joy and privilege of my life: not [...]
What a lovely post. That Oprah show has always bothered me. Yes, there are days when it sucks 80% of the time but those are the days where I am gifted the opportunity to practice patience and hone my skills. I am going to pass this one on.
Thank you so much for writing this piece. I know that motherhood can sometimes be the stuff of jokes (and laughing aboutleaking breasts, diaper explosions, temper tantrums, and jelly donuts on the new carpet is a far better approach than ranting about them), but in the end it is also about joy. As my daughter approaches the birth of her first child, our first grandchild, I try as much as possible to convey the joy that’s ahead. Your piece and some of the comments also stirred up happy memories for me of things like hatching eggs for a homeschool project, and my babies sleeping on my chest. Motherhood has its share of aggravations of course, but many of them simply become funny stories to tell on your kids years later. The joys of a baby pulling of your breast and giving you a milky smile can be treasured at the time and in memory as well.
I often said that I learned as much during homeschooling as my kids did and that I felt guilty sometimes for having so much time to sit and learn about stuff I was interested in while my poor husband had to spend his day in an office. What other job allows such variety, such scope for the imagination, such opportunity for physical affection. I’ve been a teacher, I’ve worked in an office, I’ve done sales, and I’ve never had a job that stretched me as much or given as much back as being a mother has.
I must admit I am looking forward to grandparenting with an incredible eagerness because it looks like a place where you get many of the benefits, but skip most of the tough stuff. But grandmas don’t get to nurse babies or sleep with them. That’s for one season of life only. It’s too bad that some people try to rush through that season without really appreciating the joys it brings. This isn’t just looking through rose colored glasses of memory. I remember waking up with the family sleeping in a sort of H pattern (son across the middle of the bed, daughter next to mom, daddy hanging off the other edge of the bed,0 and thinking that as uncomfortable as it was in a way that it was the best of times. We had our bad moments too, but if I had it to do all over again, I’d do it all over again, only I’d have more kids.
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