[Podcast #322] Parenting a Spicy One with Mary Van Geffen

Brave Writer Podcast

What if your child’s hardest behaviors aren’t a problem to fix, but an invitation to grow?

In this Brave Writer podcast episode, we sit down with Mary Van Geffen, author of Parenting a Spicy One, to explore what it really means to raise a strong-willed, sensitive, or explosive child.

Mary Van Geffen
Mary Van Geffen

We talk about:

  • nervous systems,
  • repair after blow-ups,
  • and why slowing down is often the most effective parenting move.

You’ll hear practical strategies, deeply humane insights, and a reframing of “difficult” kids that just might change everything. Join us, and let’s rethink what supportive parenting can look like.

Show Notes

Some children arrive in our lives with intensity dialed all the way up. They ask more questions, feel more deeply, resist more strongly, and react more loudly. Parenting these kids can leave us wondering whether we’re doing something wrong or whether we’re simply not cut out for the job. That’s where the idea of the “spicy one” becomes such a relief.

What Is a “Spicy One”?

A spicy one isn’t a bad child or even a particularly unusual one. A spicy one is the child who presses directly against our own edges. Their behavior exposes our stress, our wounds, our exhaustion, and our expectations. In other words, the challenge isn’t just who they are. It’s what their nervous system stirs up in ours.

When we frame things this way, the focus shifts. Instead of asking how to fix the child, we start asking what’s happening inside us when things go off the rails. That shift alone can soften so much shame.

Why Parenting Feels Harder Than It Looks

When parenting feels most difficult, the instinct is often to move faster. We raise our voices, tighten control, and search for better techniques. But speed rarely brings clarity. What actually helps is slowing down enough to notice what’s fueling the reaction.

Time pressure, financial stress, feeling watched by others, or carrying unresolved trauma can all magnify a child’s behavior. Naming those pressures doesn’t excuse our reactions, but it does help us respond with more intention and less panic.

The Power of the Conscious Pause

One of the most practical tools we can develop is the conscious pause. This isn’t about shutting down or walking away forever. It’s about creating just enough space to regulate ourselves before responding.

That pause might involve movement, breathing, or sensing what’s happening in your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched? Are you reacting to the child in front of you, or to the fear that this moment defines your entire parenting story? Slowing down gives us options we don’t have when we’re flooded.

Why Repair Matters More Than Perfection

None of us parents perfectly, and our kids don’t need perfection. They need repair. Repair means returning to the child after a rupture, naming the impact of our behavior without justifying it, and explaining how we’ll try again next time.

When we repair, we teach something powerful: relationships can stretch, break a little, and still be safe. That lesson builds trust far more deeply than always getting it right.

Rethinking Praise and Affirmation

Many parents rely on praise to communicate love, but praise often focuses on performance. For strong-willed kids especially, that can feel hollow or even pressuring. Affirmation works differently. It names who a child is, not just what they did.

Persistent. Curious. Open-hearted. Brave. When children hear those truths reflected back to them, they begin to internalize them. They don’t need to earn belonging; they already have it.

What Spicy Kids Teach Us

These kids often grow into adults with vision, courage, and leadership. But long before that, they teach us something essential about being human. They invite us to slow down, stay present, and love without conditions.

Parenting a spicy one isn’t about producing a polished outcome. It’s about showing up again and again with curiosity, humility, and care. And in the process, we often become the steadier, braver people our kids needed all along.

Resources

Connect with Julie

Connect with Melissa

Produced by NOVA

Brave Writer Podcast

This entry is filed under Podcasts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

Comments are closed.