Comments on: Developing a philosophy of mothering

By: Katie

Katie — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:01:59 +0000

I have age 14, 11 and 8 year old girls. I haven’t mastered the fine balance of relationship/discipline, but when I have hit on it for a time, it has been because I was willing to turn off the voices in my own head (projecting disaster in the future for my kids’ lives), set aside my own plans for the situation (for the moment) and look into my child’s eyes. The girls know that when I invite them into my room for a talk, they can relax and tell Mom everything– even if “everything” includes, “I don’t want your help. I don’t think you know enough to help me, and I just want you to leave me alone and let me do it myself.” That last came from my daughter in regard to practicing violin a few weeks ago, and after she made her request, I decided to honor it. (She was so sweet, she prefaced that tough statement with, “Mom, I don’t want to hurt you, but…”) I *do* know a lot about music, but not violin specifically, and although I think she is making a mistake not availing herself of my expertise, I am willing to let her go on her own. I made a request too: I asked her to practice in the furthermost corner of the house each day so I cannot hear her. (If I hear her make mistakes too many times, I begin giving advice.)

Anyway– even when they are younger, there is a way to do this and still maintain discipline. I remember when my oldest was eight, and really detested her language arts program (not Bravewriter). We had a “gripe session” before I set the plans for the new school year, and I was able to communicate to her that although there are certain requirements where school is concerned, I am also interested in furthering her joy in learning, and want to hear her opinions before I make final decisions. (Not that I am going to let the kids ditch chemistry or algebra, but I *do* want to hear what they are connecting with and what feels dry-as-dust.) I actually have them do freewrites every so often on this topic.

By: Jean

Jean — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 20:59:53 +0000

My philosophy of parenting is a mix between “these are the important things we don’t compromise on” and “everything else is an adventure!” The tricky part is separating one from the other.
When it comes to education, my cartoon counterpart is Miss Frizzle on The Magic School Bus who always says, “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” When a new opportunity comes up or the kids are trying to learn something new, we dive in head first without knowing if it’ll succeed. Sometimes I sit down with them and say, “I don’t know how to do this either. Wanna try together?” Knowing that there’s no condemnation for failure (because it’s just an adventure no matter what) has led them to hike mountains, build robots, audition for plays, write bills to present to the legislature and other crazy things I never dreamed we’d do. Those adventures build the greatest memories and bring so much joy into our lives.
Keeping the “important things” (worshipping God, caring for family, being kind to others, etc.) as the never-changing, solid foundation brings us joy, too.
The struggles usually come when we get stuff in the wrong category, and press things that shouldn’t be pressed or let slip things that we shouldn’t let slip.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:39:07 +0000

These are great posts and the subject is really hitting close to home. I really want to find that balance that allows everyone to be happy and doesn’t neglect any one person’s needs. Also, I wanted to point out that another drain on parental energy is illness, in a parent or a child. Things like cancer, ADHD, complicated pregnancies, premature births, etc. can really affect a family’s reserves. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I am looking forward to hearing more from you.

By: Julie Bogart

Julie Bogart — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:35:36 +0000

Dawn, I so hear you. 8 children is a lot of human beings to keep track of, let alone nurture. And they all seem to come equipped with individual personalities which means they respond differently to the same stimulus! Just when you think you’ve got it “working,” a child comes along for whom “it” doesn’t work!

When I hit a wall with my kids (schedule, routine, unhappiness, anxiety), I drop everything and talk. We get around a table or go out to the trampoline or take a walk or head to a coffee shop and discuss “What’s going on?” I sometimes make the mistake of thinking I know what they need when in reality, I haven’t asked! When I ask and am open to any answer (which includes things like—”No I don’t want to study chemistry in high school even if colleges say I must”), we get further.

I like to have a discussion, then take some time off of discussing (to allow myself to percolate some ideas and for them to also) and then to come back together to brainstorm solutions that take both goals and emotions into account. I hope to post more about this tomorrow. But the short answer is: It’s not too late. At all.

By: Julie Bogart

Julie Bogart — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:30:23 +0000

Cindy, I changed your post status to pending rather than posted. I would rather you share your experiences of mothering instead of promoting a specific philosophy or program. Can you share about your relationship with your children instead? That would be lovely. If you would like a copy of your comments to use to draw from, simply ask in comments (or email me) and I’ll happily return the comment to you to look over.

For everyone: let’s use this space to talk about what you *do* with your kids that enhances joy in mothering, rather than talking about which methods achieve your goals. I’d rather not debate different parenting books or models.

By: Lizzy

Lizzy — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:27:54 +0000

Julie,

Many times I’ve repeated your words (from Writer’s Jungle?) in my head –”relational peace is the priority, relational peace in the priority.”

None of the schoolwork is worth damaging my relationship with my kids. And the schoolwork is so much more enjoyable when the relationships have been tended.

Thank you, Julie, for your words this week! I am thankful for you in my homeschooling journey.

~Lizzy

By: Dawn

Dawn — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:44:08 +0000

I get it! – I beleive it! – I even practiced it when the first children were younger. (I have 8: ages 16 to 6 months) But somewhere along the line I began schooling at home instead of homeschooling and now I’m stuck. Not only do I not enjoy it anymore, nor do they, but I have a child two years away from college with a deficiency in many “subjects” due to the mix of the two extremes. The schooling at home has stifled the creativity and fredom to learn naturally and the homeschooling attempts have derailed his traditonal acadmics. Now what? Do I have time to chuick it all and go back to really enjoying each other, spending quality time learning each other’s interests and just allowing natural learning to take place in the vacuum of stress I hope to create with the release from the “school prison” I’ve created? I want to beleive I can do it – starting today. I know the younger ones would thrive, like my oldest used to, but I’m afraid that I’ve done permanent damage to the oldest.

By: Brittney Shideler

Brittney Shideler — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:30:31 +0000

I’m a mom of 4 kids from 11 years to 1 year. I think that the difference between a peaceful and mutually honoring family and a family in need of lots of discipline is time, the time the parents put into their kids. And I don’t mean running around to lessons, play dates, etc. time, I mean good quality time as Julie describes. Kids need quality and quantity time. Bottom line, as I’ve learned over and over, their emotional buckets must get filled with positive, affirming, loving connection with their parents. If you fill their bucket it overflows in their wanting to please you in return and your need for rule enforcement goes down exponentially. If the buckets are empty, they’ll have to try and fill them on their own and it won’t be good. Every parent should read Romancing Your Child’s Heart. It’s all about filling those buckets.

By: Kay

Kay — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:20:00 +0000

Be true to yourself. Truly love the people that truly love you. See them, listen to them. Don’t keep “score” with anyone for any reason. Have no expectations, they are not necessary, they may only cause trouble.
Thanks Julie for your love and support, thoughts and innermost feelings, plus enthusiasm to reach out.
Kay

By: Beth Haynes

Beth Haynes — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:08:52 +0000

I really hope you will check out Connie Allen’s website, Joy with Children. http://joywithchildren.com/ Your philosophies of parenting have much in common. Connie’s job runs workshops on parenting. She is trying to do for parenting what you do for writing.
My husband and I participated in a 12 week call-in seminar with her and found it of tremendous value. A central theme for Connie is emphasizing the importance of the emotional connections between parent and child. It took me a while to understand what she meant by that phrase, but it has transformed my parenting experience from one with a lot struggle, guilt and conflict (in addition to a fair amount of the good stuff) into one which is much more relaxed, and, well, joyful.

She absolutely does NOT advocate rolling over and playing dead or let-them-do-whatever-they-want. What she was able to help me achieve a much improved perspective on what I actually have control over, and provide me with a more realistic set of expectations for myself and my “job” as a parent.

If you are interested in my attempts to put some of it into writing, I have attempted to capture it in a series of blog posts here:
http://aisaacademy.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/cpl-part-2/

Thanks so much for an excellent blog which touches on so much more than writing!!