On Being a Mother
Oprah featured moms on her show a couple weeks ago. The two “experts” who “wrote the book” were bubbly, sharp, blond business-type women who wore chic outfits that had never seen spit up or spaghetti sauce stains. They rallied the audience into a frenzy of confessions about motherhood which variously decried the hardships of this “first order of creation” occupations.
“I hate the fluids of babies: pee, spit up, spilt milk, snot.”
“I cried the day I drove to the car dealership to buy a mini-van.”
“There were days I wanted to ’send them back to the hell from whence they came’.”
On and on the tales of woe pored from the mouths of devoted parents. Video clips of small kids on bikes, disastrous laundry rooms, “stuffed to the gills” cars with seats and sippy cups floated by, making one wonder why anyone would sign up for the task of mothering, let alone sustain it for decades. Moms confessed things, too, like the one who said she didn’t want to wake the sleeping baby by stopping the car for a potty break, but she needed to pee so badly, she took a Pampers diaper, stuck it between her legs and let it “go” as she drove. Yeah, I thought that was way more information than I needed to know about her, too.
There was a surprising lack of joy represented in the discussion of mothering. Mostly being a mom was held up as the hardest job on earth, the most demanding, the most self-sacrificing, the most misunderstood and overlooked work on the planet. A kind of shared martyrdom, underdog status united everyone and Oprah, never having mothered anyone, had to declare that indeed, they were right. Mothering equalled sainthood (which we all know implies burning at the stake and smiling through it!).
With my kids in the room, listening to the pain of childbirth and engorged breasts, the relentlessness of little voices, the demandingness of the small child’s need for food, sleep and comfort, the annihilation of a woman’s identity and sense of self, I couldn’t take it any more. After all, far from being the hardest job in the world, mothering has been the happiest, most satisfying, life-giving, joyful, rewarding, fulfilling and (dare I admit it?) easiest job I’ve ever had. Oh sure, the hours suck, there are anguishes deeper than the ocean, there are seasons (years!) of such utter exhaustion you can’t imagine ever being rested again… but all those discomforts are easily and unequivocally overturned by my children, themselves.
I punched pause on the DVR to set the record straight:
“Being your mother has been the single greatest joy and privilege of my life: not a burden, not a perennial unrelenting source of emotional and physical agony, not the ‘hardest job in the world’, not the knee-capping blow to my ‘adult individuality’ nor has it been the thankless, under-appreciated, most overlooked profession these mothers would have you believe. In fact, my sense of personhood, identity and self-knowledge have grown more through mothering than any business I’ve started, any degree I’ve earned, any relationship I’ve pursued. I thank YOU for being the best people to ever happen to me.”
Then I spewed in bullet style the privileges and unique joys that came with mothering them (all five of them, each one popping into my life like a fresh daisy, every two years for 10 years).
Cuddling: Being your mom means I got to have someone to cuddle non-stop for 12 years while sleeping with at least one of you at a time, nursing you, carrying you, holding you, helping you in and out of car seats, backpacking you.
Sleeping together: There is nothing more divine than a baby who falls asleep on your chest while you fall asleep and the whole world stops while mother and tiny child become fused as one content, quiet, shared being. No meditation, yoga, prayer circle, private retreat has ever come close to providing me with the depth of peace, pleasure and abiding hope that sleeping with a baby has given me.
Playing: Board games and hopscotch, dress-ups, face paint, finger paint, walks in the woods, trips to the zoo, picking up bugs, rolling down hills, blowing bubbles, eating too many cookies, watching Arthur on PBS, rewatching Disney movies, cards, chasing a dog in the backyard, trampoline jumping, creek splashing, snowman building, skiing, middle of the night slumber parties, bike rides, soccer in the backyard, soccer on the official fields, ultimate frisbee… What adult gets to do any of this on his or her 9-5 job? Talk about luxury!
Conversation: Oh it starts off good - why do bubbles float? How did I get red hair? Why doesn’t Santa Claus visit Moroccans, too? But boy does it keep getting better! I’ve learned about human rights, veganism, Role Playing Games, Shakespeare, Klingon, fashion, exercise, lacrosse, birds, fantasy novels, conspiracy theories, atheism, feminism, linguistics, alternative monetary systems for world peace (serious!) and more by talking to my kids.
Mothering is the job that means taking the dog and kids for a walk in the woods is on task. It’s the one where teatimes and picnics are considered achievements worth trumpeting to friends and family. It’s the job where even on bad days, someone tells you “Hey, I love you Mom” and then hugs you so tightly, you believe it.
There is no comparison to the jobs I’ve had in business and writing. Sure, affirmation and personal achievement are nice… but they are nothing like the bond that comes from the devotion of loving people who live every day looking for you to see them for who they are. I’ve found that the easiest thing in the world is to love my kids. All it takes is entering into their lives on their terms and giving all I’ve got. I get it all back and more.
Yes, there have been nights where I cried myself to sleep over a non-stop crying toddler or a teenager’s emotional pain. There are times when I feel out of control and invisible and fearful for my child’s future or welfare. But the rewards of mothering so far outweigh any of its challenges, I can’t relate to the repeated refrains of “how hard I have it” simply because I chose to have five kids. Instead, I just feel perennially lucky that my lifestyle has included such richness, tenderness and connection to immortality through my children.
I think it’s time we blew the whistle. Mothering isn’t a job. It’s a privilege.
Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Thank you for setting the record straight.
Amen and Thank you!!
I needed to hear those words… today!!!
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That was just what I needed.
Bravo. You nailed it!
ROCK ON JULIE! Motherhood is the BEST job I have ever had! Oprah needs us to set the record straight. Thanks for leading the charge.
I LOVE my job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The newness of everything. the first snowfall, Christmas, even stopping by a roadside motel is something new and exciting. My children bring fun and excitement back into my life.
Well said, Julie. Incessant whining of all forms drives me crazy, but especially about the one aspect of life that is supposed to have grown me up the most. I shudder to think what kind of selfish person I would have become were it not for my kids. Exhaustion alone, keeps me humble.
“Woe is me”– my cup is too full!
You are so right. I cannot imagine anything that would ever be as amazing as being a mom — or a dad. We are so fortunate to have our children.
Thanks for writing so beautifully about it.
Thank you for reminding us of the privilege mothering is. As an adoptive mom I am keenly aware of the blessings I have been given three times, yet sometimes I forget and wallow in the mud with others. I’m so glad you reminded us of the joy in mothering!
Julie,
I should have known you could WRITE the antidote to that awful Oprah show better than anyone else.
I wish YOU could go on Oprah along with some of us who love our jobs and our kids. Investing ourselves in our kids DOES yield such a rewarding return.
For further encouragement, there is a great article from Mom-of-10 in Good Housekeeping this month. Her “ways” are so simple and loving.
Cindy
Well said Julie!!!! I LOVE being a mom. I almost feel guilty on those first warm days, you know the ones that come right after the harsh winter, when the boys and I get to be outside all day and my husband has to head off to work. I get to be the one to enjoy all of the fun stuff like that. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Wow! Well put and great timing. I just spent nearly a week from my kids and missed them terribly. These words are perfect to keep my eyes on the blessing I have to be their mom.
You sing it, girlfriend! As I curled up with my youngest today at 11:30, listening to him read aloud, I thought how lucky I am to have this “job,” — which is really just LIFE.
I get to teach my kids all day. Sometimes I am extremely weary, but the joy of my 14 year old who is taller than I am, asking to be cuddled is worth it all. And when my 17 year old daughter sidles up to me to be prayed for and hugged, it’s soooo precious. And even my ever-self-sufficuent 12 year old will greet me with a morning hug.
What job could ever carry such perks? Those women on Oprah and Oprah herself make me really sad.
I love all your comments! I was thinking today at our homeschool co-op how when you have babies, you move from obscurity to rock star status everywhere you go. I remember the curious gazes, the constant flow of admiration for my kids’ curly hair, the praise and validation for doing such an important job (raising kids and homeschooling them too!). Despite the assumption that mothers don’t get enough appreciation, I’ve found that now that my kids are older and not with me, I become invisible in public. With children alongside me, I enjoyed praise, support, enthusiasm and kindness from perfect strangers every single day.
My job now, in my late forties, is to shower those young moms with the same admiration and sweetness shown to me back in my thirties.
Congrats to all of you!
Oh Julie! I am so glad you wrote this. I happened to see that Oprah, and my sixteen-year-old in the next room heard my groans and protests. I felt very sorry for these women who seem to be so caught up in the material world that they aren’t able to experience the beautiful depths of motherhood. The lives they described were so filled with driving, appointments, fast-food meals and trying to keep up with some modern ideal of motherhood that I can hardly recognize it as motherhood. I wanted to take Oprah aside and tell her how creative, fulfilling and *gorgeous* mothering can be….as you described so well in your post.
Oprah has been saying for years (and I always hear pride in her voice that she has figured that out and is so supportive of mothers) that mothering is “the hardest job on earth”. And I both agree with her and with you. It can be hard because of circumstances (the lack of sleep, illness, personalities) or when you are trying to do your best job with the hearts, minds, spirits and bodies of those in your care. But the “hard” portrayed in that show just makes me sad because much of it is so pointless.
I wish for those women and I wish that Oprah could see the mothering I see in my life and in the warm and lovely arty/crafty/homeschooly blogging world.
I didn’t mean to post as anonymous! : )
I am inspired by what I have read on your blog, but will guiltily admit that I can understand where the women on Oprah are coming from. Being a mom is hard, and, given a chance to rant, it comes easily to some of us to focus on the negative.
I have struggled to appreciate the blessing my children are. Maybe because of my own upbringing by an overwhelmed single mother who, in her darkest moments, told me how children ruined her life? Maybe because I live in culture which values a paycheck over qualities like patience, wisdom, and joy, which characterize a woman who is mature and secure, no matter her employment status?
Given the choice, I’d rather read what is written in your blog today than listen to the rants of women who are discussing the most difficult aspects of their lives as mothers. But, I’m still learning how to appreciate my kids, and not be tempted by the “value” of things which can only be seen with eyes that are on the physical world, not the spiritual.
Amen! Motherhood is the best and most rewarding job I have ever had!
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“Mothering isn’t a job. It’s a privilege.”
Amen, amen, amen!!! (Do ya hear me singing that??) Life infinitely changed during those dawn hours when I birthed our first babe. There was the awe of that sweet baby girl with the rosebud lips and the incredulity of the fact that I managed to bring her into the world! Me - with the body I’d always viewed as somewhat inadequate before =0! Now after 5 wonderful diverse children I’m still completely awed by it all. Thanks for a marvelous post Julie
This is an excellent piece, Julie. I have grown tired of the negative light that is cast upon motherhood. Anymore, It seems to me that It’s almost faux pas to NOT degrade the act of mothering; the moans, the pains, the suffering, the annoyance of children. It’s aggravating…and thankfully so foreign to me. Yes, there are many challenging moments, but I celebrate the gift of being called ‘mom’. Motherhood changed the path of my life to one of great joy. Your article is very refreshing. Thank you for writing it!
What a great post! Thank you! I don’t watch Oprah, but sounds like what I hear from folks way too often. Always leaves me shaking my head, thinking there’s someone who needs to remember how it felt the first time they held their baby. Then they need to take the time to enjoy life, through their children’s eyes. Motherhood is a magical journey,and way too brief to not appreciate it fully!
Great post, Julie!! I’ve always been saddened by all the mothers around me who dread summer with the kids at home and can’t wait until school starts again. Some parents send their kids to various camps all summer long, so they won’t have to have them around. And the kids know it! They aren’t stupid. So sad!! Thanks for such an encouraging and beautiful post.
What you’ve written here is beautiful, inspiring, and true. I’ve been home full time with my kids for almost ten years now, and wouldn’t have missed it for anything. My only regret at this point is that I didn’t have more kids.
But, like so many things, much of mothering depends on what each woman ‘brings to the table.’ You seem to have brought a disposition well-suited for the day-to-dayness of mothering. I think I have, too. But not everyone has that. Add in a difficult marriage, physical distance from extended family, a shortage of positive parenting examples, and some run-of-the-mill immaturity, and being a mom is a pretty tall order.
I own The Writer’s Jungle and read your blog frequently. Both have been very motivating and helpful to me as I parent and teach my boys. I wonder, Julie, what or who it was that helped you develop your perspective. Was it your own mother? Was mothering a dream you’ve had since you were a little girl? Are you one of those folks who has read ‘all the books’ for inspiration?
Thanks for this entry. I’m sure I’ll be coming back to it in the future.
She is a gift from God. I cherish and am grateful for the time Maurina and I have together.
I think our culture finds it hard to strike a balance between supporting us by allowing us to vent when we’re having a hard time on one hand while also allowing for all the glories of motherhood as well.
It seems like we’re expected to take sides: motherhood is difficult or motherhood is perfection. “Overall Motherhood is beautiful, but it has tough moments” just doesn’t play well in the media, yk?
Some of the things I do love most about mothering have been condemned by the majority as awful, spoiling choices. I actually feel guilty about them, so that the best parts end up getting moved to the stressful column!!
Being chided for not always feeling chipper about it isn’t ideal either. We need a space in our lives where we can admit when we feel overwhelmed and receive acknowledgment and support, with maybe a little reminder to keep it in perspective as a bump in the road. ;>
LOL! This made me cry–but I am 3 months pregnant with #5 so getting so emotional can be excused! I worked full time when my first 2 were babies. I have been “retired” for 4 years now and I could never go back to not being a constant in my children’s lives.
I do believe there is a certain amount of giving-up-yourself that you have to do to be a mother. I may not get to do what I want when I want and some days I feel the need to bash my head against the wall repeatedly (though I don’t usually give in to the temptation) But I am repaid a hundredfold for any little sacrifice made.
What do I love about being a mother? My kids of course!
Lizzy, those are terrific questions. Let me lift them and ruminate a bit and post a response on Wed. We have Tuesday Teatime photos for tomorrow so let’s see what I can share then.
As far as balance: I agree! Healthy venting is a necessity to any mother. We can’t feel that we must pretend that we are happy all the time or that our kids are perfect bundles of joy. Pain, emotion, fatigue, hardship… not to mention challenges of employment, marriage, health and extended family wreak havoc on us personally which impacts the reserves we have to devote to our kids.
I have suffered in every one of those departments and have felt the effects of challenge combined with the demands of parenting. Yet on balance, I have to say that the pleasure of being a mother, of knowing and loving and nurturing my children outweighs it all. Strangely, they have been (in my specific case) the relief during some of the most challenging emotional periods of my life. I know that isn’t always true for everyone, but it has been true for me.
Love all these responses!
Yes! Being a mother is a privilege, a gift, a challenge and the most loving and unique job in the world! Thank God for this gift.
I wake up in the morning thinking, “I get to do this again today?” and my oldest is fourteen! I can’t believe I get to read, study, play and learn every single day with people who are as excited about living and experiencing things as my kids.
I get a impatient, worried, tired, frustrated with them sometimes, it’s true. But when I think about what else I could be doing, I realize there is nothing else I would enjoy as much as spending every day exploring the world with my kids.
I looked at the possibility of not getting to be a mom for many, many years!! We miscarried our first child. Our next child took a long time to come along. He was healthy but the birth was “touch and go”. We were very blessed with our next child coming along quickly, healthy, and safely. We have been infertile now for 10 years. I have very, very little patience when listening to moms complain about the job that is the GREATEST joy, honor, blessing, and true gift I have ever received!! Every night I get the joy of saying prayers with our two terrific boys and my wonderful husband. I cannot help but thank the Lord every night for the wonderful joy, honor, and privilege He has given me in getting to be the wife and mother in this family!! It is the BEST!! Thank you for this delightful topic!!
Julie,
You certainly hit a nerve…look at all the comments.
Yes, my kids and their father are the best company I could ever asked for. I love being with them. That was the reason home education became our lifestyle… to maximize our time and learn together.
Kay
Julie,
Thanks for this post. It’s one of your best.
Julie,
Instead of waking in the middle of the night because one of my kids needs me, now I wake with a little feeling of sadness because they are growing up. My youngest is 10 and still crawls into bed, but the other 2 are teens and it’s different. It’s all good, but I didn’t know I would have this feeling of mourning for my small children. I’m soooo glad I we have been at home together to share all those wonderful moments you talked about. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom.
Samantha
I really loved your post and I emailed it to some of my online friends. One friend in particular wrote back that mothering can be hard and saw both sides of this story. I have spent some time thinking about this. I certainly do agree that mothering is hard AND rewarding. I would not want to criticize someone for needing to vent. For many of us who do not have support from our extended family, who struggle with serious illnesses, and who have financial troubles - this is incredibly hard work. Yes, it is rewarding and I totally agree about all of the privileges mothering brings us. But I would not want to make light of the work and sacrifices we mothers do indeed make. Thanks for the post. I love your writing and your blog.
Great post! Motherhood is a blessing.
Thanks Anon. I don’t think I made light of suffering or the hardships of mothering at all. In fact, I totally know them in the most personal of ways. What I reacted to was the presentation of information that felt slanted toward “shared misery” as the chief definition of what it meant to “do the hardest job in the world.” Our kids hear us when we speak like that. What I want them to know is that in spite of the personal sacrifices, the physical and emotional exhaustion, the inconvenience and heartache, THEY are by far worth every lost wink of sleep and broken hearted moment. They’ve enriched me and my life more than they’ve intruded on it.
That’s my main point.
I do think it is important to tell the truth about our pain and to support one another. For sure.
Wow! I feel judged and “less-than” just reading your article and the posts of all the super-moms that followed. I love my children - each a miracle and a gift. I would give life and limb for them at any moment, but I do not want to be with them. Not all the time. There must be something wrong with me that no other mother feels this way. I find I need frequent breaks if I’m going to survive; joy in mothering is not something I can even understand. Fleeting moments, sure, but sustained? Absolutely not. I’d love to transition from dreading time with my kids to actually enjoying it.
“each a miracle and a gift” - that’s the beginning. Frequent breaks are okay too! Of course there are mothers who feel like you do (they get a lot of press- sort of my point). I hope that you can find through your searching and due to your love of your kids, a way through to the joy that mothering can be.
That it feels like dread? I’m so sorry. Maybe some time we can talk about where the dread comes from! It would be worth exploring since that feeling is one I hate to live with. (I’ve had it in other areas of my life and get how debilitating it is.)
Peace,
Julie
I haven’t watched Oprah in a long time; her reality is so far removed from mine it’s not worth my precious time. That said, however, I have been in the reality that those women on her show probably live in. Demanding & high profile career, catty & chatty girlfriends, spiffy clothes, shoe shopping binges, manicured nails, hair & teeth. They certainly aren’t blessings, but at that time in my life, they MADE UP a huge part of my life and helped define it as a result of my upbringing and our culture in general. Children have replaced those material goods, but I admit, I’m still a far way off from sharing and living the attitude that is expressed by Julie and the Bravewriter lifestyle. Maybe it’s temperment, maybe it’s my upbringing, maybe it’s all the crises we’ve experienced in the last decade, but I’m currently a work in progress (aren’t we all) and at least now my sites have been set on something better (again, thanks to Bravewriter and, more importantly, my faith). Perhaps those women on the show haven’t been around enough mothers who are willing to share openly the joys of mothering. If they’re still moving around in the same circles, then I doubt it. The friends I had 15 years ago are no longer an active part of our lives, and when we do connect, there is a disconnect. And we all know how misery loves company. Oprah, who claims to be such a good interviewer, apparently let her guests, audience, and some viewers, go on an extended nationally televised pity party. I’ve been there, still go there at times, but I know there is a better way. There but for the grace of God go I, and all of us. I’m sure these women will look back one day and shrink in horror at what came from their mouths. Let’s all hope so, for their sakes, but more importantly, for the sake of their children who are now being shaped and formed and influenced by their mothers in a powerful yet subtle way. Thank you, Julie, for your inspiration, and let’s pray that these women get some in their lives. Perhaps you can send Oprah your post and maybe she’ll give you some “equal time!”
Julie (and Weary),
I don’t think you have made light of the hardships of mothering. But there will be some mothers who will criticize moms who vent about how hard the work is. Moms do sometimes need breaks from their kids and cannot get them. I am having a hard time explaining myself. My main point: Not everyone’s experience with mothering is the same for various reason. I don’t think people should feel guilty if they find mothering to be sometimes a bit “soul-sucking” if I might throw in a HP term. I do love my kids but the job of mothering them takes a lot out of me…. I think part of the problem lies with our culture and our values.
Weary,
We have all been there at some point. Everything, and I mean everything, has positives and negatives. Sun? On a beautiful spring day, it’s wonderful, but by the last day of August, with 10+ days of 90 degree weather, it can be wearisome. A favorite bath robe? Comforting and comfortable, it can also be the thing that causes us to feel less than beautiful.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you need frequent breaks. No mom is a super-mom; some are just able to find things that bring them joy in those breaks. When you find what brings you joy and passion aside from mothering, you’ll find that will translate to mothering in little increments too.
And BTW, I bet your kids think you’re an amazing, loving mom that sustains THEM!
Not every garden is a bed of roses, and motherhood is filled with thorns and weeds, most definitely.
Thank you, Julie, for focusing on the beauty of motherhood.
All of us, though, need to remember that those women who can’t (either economically or mentally) be the type of mother you are, are less of a mother. Each of us has to make our own way, meeting the needs of ourselves and our children.
Bravo to you who are stay at homes and have the sanity for it. Bravo to those of you work full time and still make home-cooked meals seven days of the week. And Bravo to us who ask the child, “Please, be okay with Mickey D’s tonight. I don’t have the energy even for Bisquick pancakes.”
If we love the children, and can see highlights from them in our lives, we are mothers to be cherished.
Damn my lack of editing!
All of us, though, need to remember that those women who can’t (either economically or mentally) be the type of mother you are, are NOT less of a mother. Each of us has to make our own way, meeting the needs of ourselves and our children.
[...] One mother’s take on a weary look at motherhood. [...]
Julie, great post. I feel sorry for those Oprah guests….yes, we do need time to vent, and there are also moms out there who are dealing with depression, that makes the picture more complicated and hard–but those things aside, I, too, don’t look at my vocation as a “hard job”. I am doubly blessed, I am a mom who has special needs kids who are very medically fragile ( we are on our second child who has a trach and feeding tube)so I look at mothering very differently. I am NOT a saint, I need time away occasionally, I whine and cry, and stomp my foot…sometimes I am the least mature out of the group as I stand pouting that life “ain’t fair”. BUT….I can’t think of anything I have done in life so far in these 42 years that is any more important than being the mom to five kids. I have gotten to partake in Creation…wow..that alone should knock our socks off every time!! Having had a bunch of littles, and a kid with a trach and multiple medical needs….it has molded me into the person I am. I am a blessed woman. I see my kiddos struggle so hard to do normal things like breath and eat….and suddenly poopy diapers and laundry seem like small peanuts. I am not disparaging anyone who struggles with laundry and diapers, ( I still grumble) but I have a perspective now that I would never trade…..lots and lots of “things” we get crazy over are actually quite small in the big scheme of things…and mothering has lead me to a place of peace. Deep peace– knowing what I do counts…a lot. AND..There is JOY there, right there amongst doctors and surgeries, and scary stuff….joy wins, because love wins!!!
Also….I second what Brianna says, Motherhood is beautiful, but just like the thousands of beautiful flowers in the world, we all do it differently, and we all grow our families differently….I am glad to give a little shout out about how mothering feels to me, thanks, Julie for the opportunity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this excellent post. Excellent on many fronts. As an infertile woman who prayed for years to be blessed with children, the adoption of my three kids has proven to be the most rewarding and most challenging journey in my life. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Thank you for this affirmation of motherhood.
Being a “Mom” is what I was born to do. Taking a non traditional path, I’m a foster parent of 2 and adoptive mom of 4. The best part of my day is helping my kids sweat through homework and problems to stand at the end in triumph beside them! Given the chance to go back and have a life without little people would be akin to going to hell. I can’t even fathom it. What would I do with all of that time? LOL
SPOT ON!